Saying I'm Sorry

I used to be a self help book junkie. I read every book I could find on money, relationships, marriage, sex, love, babies, pregnancy, etc, so tay suppose don write my own book now.

Hubby annoyed me yesterday and characteristically, I let him have it. Not going into what he did but will only say, its something I have been gently trying to curb as advised by all the self help gurus. The man just no wan change and I went crazy. It could be my hormones, I know being preggers makes everything seem much more serious that it really is. After I erupted, trust the guy he sits quietly and then I start feeling like I was over reacting. I decide to apologize when we get into bed. Was going to snuggle up, give him a hug and tell him I was sorry and in a calmer manner repeat what he was doing that he should not be doing :).

Na so I enter bed, my small oga was being fussy so I let him sleep with us. My mouth was too heavy and instead, we all drift off to sleep. I woke up at night and madam, wake your husband up and tell him sorry and sit him down for some midnight "oro pataki", I lie there contemplating how to begin and fall asleep again still trying to decide on the best approach.

Of course typical guy fashion today hubby wakes and we talk like nothing happened. He knows I'm sorry anyway and he knows it was his fault too so, I decide to let it go as well but I know I need to reclaim my apologizing skills. Will do after our next fight.

`

Birth of new life

Yesterday, I got to watch my first live birth and it was awesome. Sure I've seen enough on you-tube but it was nothing like the real thing. How can anyone see that up close and then deny that there is a God? The birth made me realise the following;

a) God is wonderful. He must be to make it possible for that child to breath in water. Her water was broken at about 5 a.m. (it was an induction) and the baby somehow was still breathing until it was pushed out @ 1.22 p.m;

b) Women are heavy duty machines. I have seen my own father, brothers and especially husband catch catarrh and turn into blubbering, irritating babies (may God forgive me for feeling that way) but seriously, I hate seeing sick men they get on my last nerve. This woman pushed out a whole person and was smiling afterwards. She had an epidural by then but what about the six hours of labor before she got the medication? But still, first hand, the birthing process is very painful.

c) I wonder why some people wait to see a mountain move before they can accept the miracles and favors of God Almighty. (First time I bought newborn clothes hubby actually thought no baby could fit something that small and you actually do forget how small a newborn is). Most fascinating thing about them (newborns) is they have 206 bones squeezed into that little body, a functioning brain and meeeen that head of theirs that mouds itself to pass through the birth canal? Awsome! God is wonderful. Even if I never see a mountain move, I am a Believer.

d) How does a baby make its way out such a small hole?

e) Even though the birth was amazing, seriously its a more spiritual experience to watch, I think it might be a good idea to bar husbands, boyfriends, and significant others from watching. Am just glad am a woman cos I would not go near another va jay jay if I were. The emerging baby is not a pretty sight and you need to see what it does to the anus.

f) God I thank you for making me a woman.

The Resumption of Innocence

This is an amebo post and since this is a narration, words may be altered but the messages are real.

A friend of mine was recently married and while we made small talk (chatting online) she stops to ask me a question, "First time you and your hubby did it, did it hurt?"
I go "no why?" cos she knows it wasn't our "first time", me and her did share that much info in the past, albeit rarely.
And she goes, "hubby and i have not been able to do the deed for the past three days now because it hurts so much" I was, and still am confused.

Before I go on, let me give you some background, the lass is in her mid thirties as in 35, and we go way back. Once, over ten years ago, we had a heart to heart conversation when she confessed to doing it several times with the person supposed to be teaching her math (not a dirty old man but a guy a couple of years older than her). She only stopped when she got pregnant after which an abortion was arranged and since then, she has had a few relationships she says were not fully sexual (I never asked, she always volunteered that), even though they did everything else.

Back to the narration, without thinking, I go "Is he that huge?" and hit send before it occurs to me that she may not find that funny since she was confiding something serious. I cover up for my lack of sensitivity by giving her some suggestions, get on top, use some k-y jelly, etc. She tells me that was how he got halfway in three days.

I was baffled, I never knew the hymen grew back, but even after an abortion?...or maybe she just has vaginismus.

I think I only met one virgin in her mid-twenties she was 27 at the time and one morning she rushed to work to give us gist about how using tampons will break the hymen, I looked at her in disbelief at first; thinking to myself lost that a long time ago but I was graceful enough to not show my surprise that she thought that was breaking news. Even more hilarious was her wedding preparation, she chartered all those how to please your man in bed books and was reading them as if she had exams on the subject. She is too serious a person for me to ask if all the reading helped. She would have killed me with her eyes, lol. Anyway, I was impressed and it inspired me to go on a new round of celibacy.

As for me, losing my flower did not take three days, it just took a non verbal go ahead and the deed was done. I do not recall a renewed virginity after any of my celibacy periods either; (longest ones lasted 3 years, 1 year and some months, ten months and six months) but when I resumed, except that it was sweeter, I do not recall having to stop and try again the next day., talk less of the third day. But then, her husband does have long, slender fingers, maybe it could be a length issue then?

Birthday

I think at the next bloggers awards, there should be a laziest blogger category, that way I'm sure I'll get a nomination at least even if I don't win lol.

Finally finished my class, was supposed to take a history and a sociology course for the rest of the summer but changed my mind. Just realized am not as young as I used to be and with all the other everyday hassles, I am barely managing to get by on a day to day basis.

Yes oh, my cherub was a year old this Saturday. Am not into parties but in an effort to make sure my child has enough photos as mementos of the big day, I decided to have a get together at home for friends and family and have a real kiddy party at his daycare. Hard part is I havent a clue what people here do at 1st parties, I have asked around, and one alakoba (sorry, no english translation that would do that justice) suggested a pool party. Emi ke?!? I no want trouble, even if the said pool was a bucket of water, I no fit. When he's five maybe but as a toddler? No way.

Everything is ready except the balloons. Will get those tomorrow.

Thankful Saturday my "M" list.

Here goes. . .

I have completed my Mid Terms, in my usual trouble finding manner I decided to take a crash course online. I took the online version out of convenience and registered the day after the class started. Its a five week course, spent week one looking for the recommended text. After driving all over, my only option was to order online and it was too late so I got an online version, downloaded it and my PC chose that day to crash. To cut a very long story short, I had to connect on the laptop, crash 6 chapters in three days, study for a mid term test and complete a very difficult (and rather stupid) essay. I did it all with an hour and a half to spare and for that I am truely grateful.

Motherhood, my cherub has two teeth, is crawling army style, putting on healthy weight and sleeping through the night. Pregnancy is exhausting and uncomfortable and having a newborn is twice the exhaustion but nothing can compare to your baby waking you up in the morning and smiling down at you just because you opened your eyes. I love my baby.

Money even thoiugh I am short of it right now, I love money and all the good things that can be obtained with it. And I am saying thank you in advance cos, Insha Allah my pockets will be full of cash soon (even though I haven't a clue where from).

Movement am at that counting movements stage and that's the only way I can reassure myself that everything is ok.

Mojisola because I am a good person. lol.


WHew that was not as hard as it seemed. . .

All about rings

Went to a wedding last Saturday. Hubby and I left together, naturally we got lost. He refused to ask for directions and I had to ask for him (so it can be his genius if we find the place and my fault if we don't?) and naturally we argued all the way

Me: You shouldn't have turned left

Him: Shebi I told you to ask for directions

Me:Thats why I told you to ask yourself

Him: But you said keep going down Westheimer

Me: Its really not too late we can park so you can ask them yourself

And we manged to argue back and forth until, I got tired and did not feel like going anymore and he claimed to be tired as well; we agreed to go home. I called my aunt who had invited us so she would not wait anymore and then hubby decides we just have to find the place (I know if I had insisted on going we would've been home in a heartbeat); we head back, find the place and ended up having a very nice time.

Two of my siblings are wedding this year, one friend has tied the knot and the other, well lets hope they make it down the isle before they break up. It all got me thinking about my ring and its multiple personality.

The Badge.
A ring could be a badge, a symbol that you are a member of the prestigious married womens' club. It means people should not disrespect you in public, you cannot indulge in playfulness or mischief like you used to and any man beside you has to be your husband, his relative or his friend. Every statement is to be punctuated by don't you know that I am a married woman, or my husband this and my husband that. I think the most interesting part of this is most women suddenly become holy at this point. I wanted to but somehow it just didn't happen, I mean my biggest sin used to be fornication (so I thought, but thats another story) and now its a sin if I refuse, so that in itself makes me feel holier :).

The Certificate.
Implies you can carry belle, sleep over, people can come and visit and meet you half dressed. Nothing to be ashamed of, after all you have a ring to brandish and so its a certificate to indulge in all the stuff you may have been doing anyways but now don't need to lie about or hide. This is especially useful when you lock yourselves in the house and take a few minutes longer than necesary to answer the door.

A Deterrent.
I recall the good old days when guys expressed likeness by hanging around you and trying to impress you. (When you get to your mid twenties, they begin to propose marriage even before asking you out or tell you how you embody everything that they've been searching for in a wife, or my personal favorite, how they just want to settle down now now now if they find the right person-and that's your cue to begin auditioning). Have come across two or three people who I just noticed hanging around (@ different times), being nice, trying to impress (like in the good old days) and suddenly it hits me that they may be trying to "get to know me" and then I go searching for my rings (I am not a ring person and besides when i was ring shopping they told me to get a loose one so I could grow into it-haven't grown into it yet, so i take it off so it doesn't get lost) and any hoo, I go find them so the dude realises its too late. I don't care wonderful you are or seem to be, if you were meant to be mine, you should have found me first. The guys bow gracefully away and tell me how lucky my man is, and I'd love to give them his number so they can tell him, but hubby already thinks I'm a psycho, no need to add fuel to his suspiscions. And anyways, as long as its not Babyface Edmunds, I'm sticking with my man.

A Reminder.
Marriage is hard, very very hard. I take that back its not hard, its just a lot of patience, forgiveness, manipulation and diplomacy. On the hard days you keep that ring on your finger to remind you of the never ending circle that your love is supposed to be. You wear that ring willing it to do its magic so you don't go screaming into the hills like a mad woman or more likely just go back home and curl up in the bed you slept on so many years ago dreaming about your fairytale job, marriage, kids and life; lord knows it was nothing like this. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. . .can't go home, this is your home now. During the trying times you grudgingly make his meals; respond to his questions with tight lipped comments (am still working on the malice thingy) he realises he majorly pissed you off and tries to make small talk, tries desperately to make you laugh; wants to make love. And in time the never ending circle does its thing and you realise that you would never trade the man beside you, with his rusty amour, feet of clay and annoying ways, for the man in your dreams of yesterday.

A week in my life.

Cooked beans today. Hubby loved the last one so much, I feel like cooking it everyday now. Seriously, he started by overfeeding - not unusual, he does that whenever he is very hungry or he really likes the food. Next, he was composing ballads and poetry about it (just kidding, though am sure he would have if he were the ballad and poetry composing type).

My first thought was "he's having an affair" unfortunately, i cannot help the way I think. I mean, every body is happy after getting laid, but we hadn't done it enough times to justify that much praise over a pot of beans, a week later he was still praising it! Besides, I just dumped everything in the pot and it even burnt small sef. Well, he took the last of it to work this morning (began cooking in bulk when baby came, I find that it is verry convenient) amidst more adulation and accolades so, I need to cook some more; heck, we may begin to cook beans everyday from now on.

Baby was sick again. Fever crankiness, loss of appetite. I had to call my mom to ask what I was doing wrong. She said he might be teething; I tell her he did that three weeks ago, infact the second one is crowning. I didn't know they fell ill with each tooth. went to check on him during my lunch break feeling I should have called in and not gone to work. The boy was happily swinging his legs enthusiastically eating some kind of spanish rice and noodle soup. The boy did not even cry when I left, but that told me he was alright. He's fine now, again and at least I know what to expect when the top ones start coming in.

I don't know how to say this, but if I was a boy, I'd be an ass man. I have this colleague with this very cute ass and I like watching it move. I just realised I've been staring at her a bit too much when she caught me looking for the second time in one day and now I have to make a conscious effort not to look and its been sooo hard. Don't get me wrong, I am not gay. Personally I am not homo phobic or homo curious. am not interested in boobs, it would be akward trying to make love to a woman and feel her breasts, beside, part of the turn on in sex is feeling his member grow, you wont get that with a woman and how about the ridges and contuours? and seriously a dildo would not trmble and pulse or shoot anything warm, no I am not gay.I just admire her ass the way people admire a pretty face.

:) how was your week?

Thankful Saturday

I am borrowing a leaf from Aloted, making a list of things I am grateful for. I am not in the habit of counting my blessings cos, i am afraid of jinxing them. But that's superstitious isn't it? And besides, I do believe in destiny and so, que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Will aim for three, seven, ten or eleven things to love about today; here goes. . .

1) My Angel on earth is over his illness. Was teething cos soon as he started getting better, the crown of the tooth appeared. Will post a picture as soon as I can get him to smile at the camera instead of giving his 'camera stare'. I don't have to force him to eat anymore, he's been sleeping 6 hours through; if I could just get him to start crawling. . .

2) Hubby I guess, he take the baby and feeds and plays with him in the morning so i can get a few more hours of sleep, gets up @ night when i have to get up to soothe the pikin. Does a few things around the house without being nagged to do them. He is not a woman beater (and I would have mentioned that I do not have to worry about other women, but I trust no man not even my own father, so I'll leave it at that).

3) Found a new daycare, so I have left the other miserable woman alone. The new one is hispanic and does not speak much english. So far so good she has other kids with her and she is a like real mommy to them all as in, they flock around her and do not fear her which is a quality the other two did not have. Only time will tell sha, but as of today I am glad to leave my baby with someone who seems to genuinely adore kids.

4) Am off on Saturdays.

5)I have exceeded my sales target at work, big deal because in the year that I've been here; my sales are usually about halfway to target. I am a terrible sales person and used to talk myself out of sales; as in, after making an offer, I tell the customer both advantages and disadvantages of the service (cos i wish everyone else would do that for me too). Now, I keep my big mouth shut. If they figure it out, good, if they don't I get my sale. I mean, I need my job and besides, all i'm asking is that they keep whatever they buy for a month so I get my commission.

Birthday Wishes

Technically, I am beginning my 30th year but am really 29. Why do we celebrate the last year instead of the new one(?) cos if you look at it; your first birthday is really the first day of your second year on earth. So each birthday should be the first day of the next year in you life but age-wise, we are last years age. . .

For the first time in the ten years I've know him (yes, I have known him for ten years; tale for another day) hubby was the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I'd just got home the day before, was eating dinner (had resumed midnight dinner for several reasons; I've been stressed out lately, am unable to eat breakfast cos it makes me slow for the rest of the day; the overnight hunger was interfering with my sleep and making me cranky and because I wasn't losing any weight from the starvation, so I might as well. . .) and watching "friends with hubby. It was the episode where Ross' lesbian ex-wife was having Ben; the scene reminded us of my delivery and i suddenly realised that when i gave birth i did remeber pusing out the head but dont remember the shoulders being pushed out hubby then tells me they pulled him out by the head and we went on about details. When the baby comes out on the sitcom and he says happy birthday; I thought he was talking about the show. Then it hits me; it was midnight and my birthday. . .sweet.

My first birthday after meeting hubby, we were at school, our school was one of those where guys were not allowed into female hostels so, I was outside hanging out with my cousins and their friends; we were all broke (my cousins and I), so we decided to gist and tell stories, share jokes (or vice versa). Hubby - then just a guy who refused to get lost - sat somewhere in the shadows with his friends, waiting for the crowd to leave; he over heard the birthday chorus or something, and sneaked away to get me a gift. Spent a few hours outside with him and it was no biggie. . .

My twentieth birthday was a blur, we saw the day before and the day after, I was too depressed to care anyways. By then we were dating and all. . .and o n the verge of our first break up.

Twenty one was a good year, we were taking a break from each other (again) he did remember a week later. no qualms cos, I thot to myself, I was waiting for my knight and the knight obviously was not him. . .

Twenty two, he called late at night, we were back together again. He called me at ten PM (landline not cell phone; my Dad was the only one at home with that nokia 3330 that cost him over 30k, MTN line was 27k or so); anyway hubby calls me telling me he almost forgot; naturally, I blasted him.

Twenty three, nothing not even an e-mail. We had spent a week together in Akure two weeks before, had to blast him again and promised to forget his birthday from then on. . .

Twenty four, we had a pregnancy scare; just did my first medical test for my first job and felt so stupid for probably losing the job because i could have been pregnant. I was too upset to do anything or even care if he remembered. All he had to say was lets do introduction. There was no baby, I got the job and we forgot about the intro (he was a corper).

Twenty five I got a surprise party at work. You know when suddenly you notice everyone is scarce and someone "has something important" to tell you. The person leads you to a room and everybody starts singing Happy Birthday and its a party. It was one of my best birthdays ever! Hubby called in the evening, had to take his mom somewhere (and phones don't work in cars). Blasted him yet again. Much more annoying was that he didn't care if i forgot his.

In 06 he calls me first thing in the morning like he used to every regular day; we gist small and he hangs up; I coolly let him forget at that time, it didn't matter. I guess he pulled up his PC minutes later and realizes; calls me back and we had a good laugh over it. . .

27 we were together; he called from work because that was when he remembered.

28 was an okay age to be, I learnt that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go in terms of self development; lost all my friends, made no new ones; the first time really that i haven"t asked myself if i was happy with who i was today, the first day of this new year of me. So far so good, though.

Other peoples' kids

Today I noticed my sweet little angel sitting pretty; finally. He will be eight months old in a week. I saw this seven month old with teeth at a store a couple of months ago, the boy was sitting upright, sporting four teeth and obviously crawling or about to. My aunts' baby was standing at 7 months; my cousins' baby was crawling and cruising furniture by 8 months; all around me I saw babies doing things way faster than mine and I almost let myself fall into the "there's something wrong with my child" trap. Don't get me wrong, I see babies way slower than him but to be the best you've got to compete with the best.

We all know that everyone is an individual, in fact I should know that better than anyone else. I didn't walk until I was a year and ten months old, I sucked my fingers, didn't "cry" (my Mom said she had to deliberately starve me every now and then just so she could convince herself I was OK, lol). I was considered "slow" until my Mom said they realized I could read words without pictures when I was four. Even then, I started growing boobs at 9 (mom was scared again, too early) when girls my age caught up, they began dressing up and wearing make-up. I didn't. It went on and on, I just wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing when I was supposed to, and did I mention my Mom thought I was going to be an old maid?

I wish I could claim emotional trauma from all the comparisons I suffered and to be truthful; I did feel there was (and is, maybe?) something wrong with me but as I have realised everyone has their self doubt and the greater the genius the greater the doubt so I don't sweat it. I admit that being compared to others and always or mostly falling short is very challenging. So why was I trying to inflict this negative energy on my little prince? I think its because, like the majority of parents before me, I have/had set milestones for my baby. . .

He was to be sitting by 5 months, crawling at 6 months, off the breast at 6 months (here we are breastfeeding 7 months and counting), standing at 9 months, off the feeding bottle at 1, toilet trained at 2 and saying the alphabet and counting to twenty by 2.

But here I am applauding his being able to sit down without support (and he claps too) at 7 months and four weeks, but even though I think we (me and him) have a pretty fair chance of meeting the other milestones, I will honor his process and just let him do things at his own pace (like I have that much of a say in the matter).

This is fast becoming a mommy blog.

PS:- Not beef but my aunts' child who was standing @ 7 months is a year old next month and he's still not walking but she's not losing sleep about it. Don't know what came over me.

I love my mom to pieces, I obviously inherited her paranoia.

The Nighmare called baby sitters

Am riding the crest of a nightmare baby sitter who, truth be told I should have changed a long time ago. This is my second nightmare in the six months I've had to deal with them. Am seriously considering sending Bobo to naija to live until he is three years old cos, this place is not baby friendly at all.

Started with one akata woman who began well, her place was close-by and she seemed to love kids. All of a sudden, she began complaining all the time; that was our queue to move on but of course, being too busy to look and too stubborn to change we managed her until she decided to not take care of my kid because she felt me and my husband were not communicating, among other things. She claimed she told hubby lots of stuff about me and baby and as a result of our lack of communication, none of the messages were passed across. Last straw was when she said she told him to get someone else and I was livid with rage; sharply went to snatch my baby ; missed two days of work and made new arrangements. Turned out she didn't tell him anything and besides since she and her own husband communicate so well she should have left the messages with him instead.

Well, moved on to Yoruba woman who has turned out to be an even bigger nightmare. To cut a long and needless story short, I have been accused of everything from trying to know her immigration status to insulting her verbally and funniest of them all; I also want to steal her clothes. Well, the other mothers were accused of never paying their bill, not giving their kids anything to eat; eating her food; and we are all bad mothers for a myriad of other reasons. Am shopping for another minder o. My child is the only one left there anyways. I think I have had enough. And to think that this woman has been in yankee for over five years. You can take the woman out of the bush but that bush will remain in the woman sha.

Hubby has been so strong for us this time. The first one had me questioning if we could last another year. He felt it was my fault and we should have begged the akata. I told him the day he labours for his own child we can go and beg her. I was mad at him for days, and I have never hated him as much before nor since. This one was a bit more ridiculous and hubby was actually consoling me like a Daddy does and I almost started crying on the phone. . .that was until I tell him I locked my keys in my car and the he starts screaming as if it was so much of a big deal, I don't know why the man is so inconsistent. I mean its my keys and my car and he just went on and on and on. . .so what if it was the third time in six weeks? I've been stressed out lately. He was a doll and called the locksmith and waited with him.

On a lighter note, I finally had the courage to get contact lenses. I almost chickened out until hubby told me he didn't think I could do it. of course, then I decide I have to. The doc wears contacts himself and shows me how to put them in by taking his out and putting them back in twice in 10 seconds. He hands me my first pair and tells me to put them in. After about 30 minutes, I have one in and have dropped the other one and cannot find it. Doc has seen two other patients. The man get patience no be small. didn't even bill me for the one I lost. He just quietly replaced it for me. Am sure him and his receptionist were wondering how anyone can take 30 minutes to get one lense in but they were nice enough to keep quiet.

Day two, I got both lenses in about 30 minutes, not my fault my eyes just used to close involuntarily. After work that day, I was so tired I rubbed my eyes as I usually do, next thing I know, I cant see out of one eye. Yeepa! I though to myself, How do I explain to the Doc that I lost another one? Fortunately, it was attached to my eye lashes. since i was on my way home anyway, I pull the other one out and wear my glasses puting both lenses in he glass case. By the time I got home they were shrivelled, when I told hubby he did his he he he laugh that he does when he wants to gloat while he should be comforting you. I put them in the water and have been managing them like that since then.

So far so good, I've worn them a month and counting and am enjoying the lightness and being able to see like a regular person.

Sex on the mind.

The year is going by so fast, am over the homesickness, was just really stressed out and that was cured with the sound sleep I got from the two days hubby moved to the other room. He arrived back on the third day and when i was woken up by snores after merely two hours sleep, I bundled my angel on earth into the guest room for some peace and quiet. Hubby wasn't happy that we had to manage the small bed and so our current arrangement is, I wake him up when he gets too loud so he sleeps on the smaller bed; and at least he has stopped throwing his head back when sleeping which has reduced the snoring considerably.

Speaking of which, is it just me or do you find yourself wondering where or when people first think about sex? I have know there was something people did called sex for as long as I can remember. I may have been off on details at first, but I vaguely knew what it was and I always wondered where the thought came from.

It finally occurred to me one night doing hubby, I glance beside him at the little one . He was wide awake and when our eyes meet, he gives me this huge beautiful grin. Of course I decided to always put him in his bed every night -which by the way I did not do because its hard getting up to nurse when you're tired, but good parents that we are, we don't do anything with him on the bed anymore - but realized then where some people got their thoughts from, I guess I slept on my parents' bed till I was 2. Tell me I didn't witness something in those two years.

Why am I even talking about this sef?

Homesickness

Today, I confess to being tired, very tired. Got up early this morning thinking to myself how much I didn't want to go to work, or stay at home for that matter. All I really felt like doing was turning back the hands of the clock so I could go home. I mean home to my mom, dad and siblings. . .

I was tired of being a wife; the hardest part of which is dealing with a grown man I often feel like giving a big kick in the ass. Don't get me wrong, me and hubby have really been getting along these days. Some days I love him with all my heart the kind of love that I wouldn't have minded cutting show once in a while if I was with someone else. And somedays he just cannot stop getting on my nerves. Today, he is my one true love and didn't sound so happy when I said it out loud that I just wanted to go home for a week.

I think the lack of sleep is getting to me. My cherub sleeps in three hour stretches on a good day. In between hubbys snores which are getting louder and louder by the day; and the little angel constantly waking up, i get about 6.5 h of interrupted sleep every night. At least if i go home, I could give him to my mom for the night; she raised five kids she must surely be used to it by now. and its all her fault anyway. I don't want to be a wife today. I know I am blessed but I just want to go home and be one of the kids again, just for a week. I am sooo tired; I can't do anything. To please me (or maybe he just got tired of me kicking and shoving him to get him to stop snoring, lol) hubby started sleeping in the other room and I feel abandoned. I am so homesick, I'll deal with that later.

You might wonder why I blame my mother. Well, I love my mother but, I blame her for most things anyways. She was the one harassing me to get married ever since I carried my two left legs home from service with no husband and no job. I was naive then, and just happy to be home. I was only twenty three and she made me feel like a failure for not having a husband. When Baba joined in three years later. . . I knew it was time. So I stubbornly refused to cry on my wedding day; that would have been so pretentious and pretentiousness is just not in my nature. Not to mention her nagging me all the time, there was always something I wasn't doing right.

After all that why do I so much want to go home and be one of the kids again?. . . just for a week?

Maybe my job is also contributing to my stress. Customer service in America is something else. Having been a victim time and time again in Nigeria where you complain and the person supposed to sort out the mess for you will insult you, and walk you out like it isn't your service that made it possible for them to have jobs; here the customer is always right. You have the lousy people who will call in swearing by their dead relatives that they never made certain calls or used certain services, and to keep my job I have to kiss ass and try to tell them politely that it was our fault. Or the stupid ones who want you to send them a new phone because the old one does not vibrate anymore.

And I am just as fat as I've been since the beginning of the year. my fat jeans are getting tight sef. And people think I'm almost due with another baby.

Please let me go home for a week before I lose my mind!

Foolish Old Men and Other Stories.

Ramblings. . .
I confess that I have kept none of my weight loss resolutions though I am making a lot of effort. Its hard to exercise when you have no spare time and PLEASE don't tell m to create time, if that was humanly possible, we would surely have more than 24 hours a day. The diet is going so so. Its harder to quit certain foods when you make the declaration to do so. Hardest of all my bad eating habits to quit is midnight dinner when I get home. But I am proud to announce that I have broken that habit for the past seven days.


Foolish Old Men
Last Sunday a curious thing happened, I got a text from an old fifty something man who should be settled in his 5 year old marriage. . .the text was sent in error, mind you. . .something corny about longing for someones memorable touch or juicy lips or something of sorts. . .silly really. The text was meant for his plaything and being the techie klutz that he is -not unusual for a guy of his age - he must have accidentally hit the reply all button sending the secret message to me, my husband, his wife, his family and friends. Hubby gave him a call and alerted him to his error and the guy had to repeatedly send everyone messages saying the text wasn't from his phone. Uh huh, we all got the text from some ghost who ran out of ideas on how to freak people out, loud hiss. For good measure, he sent the disclaimer text twice so we'd all see that his phone has a mind of its own. . . even louder hiss. Wish I could tell him that the cover up text sounded even more foolish than the cheesy love message.

Witnessed something while standing in line at the old Standard Trust Bank almost ten years ago. You know how the bank used to be like a crowded market place, and on that day, standing in front of me was this young cute girl doing this kinda jiggly dance to the AIT theme song. Behind me was this elderly gentleman somewhere in his mid fifties or sixties. As the girl jiggled her hips and butt, the man grunts over me at the girl in this thick Ibo accent "see the way you are dancing like a little baby"

When the girl acknowledged his comment with a "shy" glance, the guy proceeds to shove me aside -and i kid you not- so he could ogle the "little baby" . I stood my ground cos I had been standing in line for over an hour and was not giving my space to anyone. Next thing the man has the guts to say in a loud voice that I was interrupting his conversation and I should move aside. Thank God for my big eyes, I turned around an eyed the man from head to toe and probably because I didn't say anything he decided it wasn't worth the scene, he left me alone and continued panting like bingo after the "little baby" with more discretion. Tell me the likelihood of someone knowing his wife and or kids being present that day. I mean is it a crime to pursue women with maturity?

Give an inch. . .
This situation kinda sorted itself out (thank God). Had this stranded colleague @ work one day. . .no car and she fell out with her roomie who used to give her rides home because they live together. I don't think they were lovers though because the bigger gal used to be married and the smaller one was obviously going through a dry spell some weeks back when she was paying too much attention to guys in the office. I mean she was laughing hard and long at their jokes even when the said jokes were not funny, she kept talking about how homely she is and how she just loves to cook and bake for fun, etc oh, and how she hadn't had sex since the birth of her son five years ago. Anyway, apparently she got laid recently and has been respecting herself.

Lest I forget where this is going, I gave her a ride home because she needed one, next thing my sister began waiting for me daily. I wouldn't have minded if we were going the same way. She lives about 10 minutes in the other direction and then after i dropped her off, I'd have to drive 25minutes back at home and at that time of the night, I wasn't finding it funny after the first few days. But thank God sha, it seems like the person doing her has been taking her home. My issue was resolved, we have been spared her throwing herself at guys in the office, and baby girl seems happy. All's well that ends well.

Hope everyone's having a good month.

Dry skin solutions, anyone?

Okay so in trying to pimp my blog, I messed it up. Bear with me while I look for a solution.

I have to keep reminding myself that its a new year because I had to work the day before and the day after and been working ever since, I miss those 1-3 week breaks I've gotten in past years.

I am working on my exercise and diet. I am yet to lose any weight though. Its annoying cos if I was on a binge now, I would see the weight gain in minutes.

Bobo is changing so rapidly before my very eyes. He used to be this wobbly necked infant and it was relatively easy giving him a bath. Now its a struggle. He is constantly trying to stuff as much soap into his mouth, holds the sponge tightly any chance he gets; and tries to "catch" the water and when he cant catch the water, he holds the container. I end up struggling to hold him still with one hand and soap or rinse him with the other. Speaking of which, if anyone has a solution for dry skin, please share. My baby has skin as dry as a crocodile's. I've bathed him with dove sensitive fragrance free since he was 2 months. That helped a lot. I have no luck with body lotions/creams and petroleum jelly is just too heavy, right now I mix with it water, and cream him morning when I give him a bath and last thing at night before i go to bed. I have also tried eucerin, curel, johnsons baby, aveno baby, palmers cocoa butter, palmers shea butter, baby magic, various baby gels and oils, I have also done the extra virgin olive oil and they either did nothing for him or made him break out in rashes. I need something mild, and I am open to suggestions.

Things I need to do in 2009

2008 wasnt such a bad year for me, spent the year pregnant, complaining, being a mom to a newborn, cried rivers over the most mundane things (must be all the hormones); starting a new life and trying to redefine myself. I do not make new years' resolutions because I believe that when you decide to change your life, now is as good a time as any. I make my resolutions as I go along but because this time they will coincide with the new year for simplicity sake, I will call them new years resolutions.

My spiritual life has got to be improved; I will do my best to say my five daily prayers on time; fast more; etc, that's between me and my maker, don't want to go into details. . .

I have defined my diet now; no more juice, been drinking gallons while convincing myself that juice is healthy so I'm cutting out juice and soda. From now on, its water and tea until I get close enough to my target weight of 62kg. As for the food; I'm cutting out in between meals, cake and ice cream; will stop eating with hubby so i can have a good idea of what i actually consume and because he is a bad influence on me food wise. I also have this bad habit of eating when i get home from work at about 11:30pm. I do that because it helps me sleep and because I am a good girl with bad habits; I will replace the food with a warm bath, that should relax me enough to put me to sleep.

I will try to work out for an hour every morning; I printed off this exercise routine from yahoo health, have bought myself dumbbells so, I'm good to go. I will also power walk 5 laps around the nearby school field every morning, tummy and strength train after wards.

Even if I don't lose the weight, I will make sure my hair and skin looks nice, never leave the house without eyeliner; try to dress well; sound vain eh? Believe me when I say I've let myself go if I need some vanity to restore my looks then so be it.

Of course plus the regulars, be the best mommy, wife, sister, friend, employee, daughter, in-law, that I possibly can be, so help me God. Wishing everyone a happy and prosperous 2009!

Update

Hope I'll be able to post after this;

Been sooo tired lately, there's always something to do. I havent really had time for myself and I've been going around with the looks of a person who has no time for herself.

Wake up call came a few days ago when I dragged myself out for a hair cut and the lady told me I had better get my hair routine back because my son will need something to boast about when he begins talking, and I realise that I have truely let myself go.

So, among my new week resolutions are

1. Will lose all the weight I gained after my delivery. I was back in my cute pre pregnancy jeans two weeks after baby came. Dunno what happened a month later; its like i wake up in the morning and find that I gained a few more pounds from just sleeping intermittently between babys cries and hubby's snores. Got a few new clothes to tide me over but its been five months and I am still getting bigger. Something has got to be done about this. I do not have a stragtegy yet, but all I know is, I have got to lose the weight. I am looking at starvaing myself(dieting), excercising, and getting some of that tea that makes you purge whatever you eat.

2. I already got my hair cut and its cute, if I may say so myself. But I'm going to make sure my hair is made all the time (may my pockets be filled with the money to make that possible); and make sure that my son has something to boast about when the time comes.

3. I hate my job, though I am grateful to the Almighty that I have one when so many are losing theirs. I need something that I can feel good about when I get up in the morning. On the other hand, I was thinking of becoming a teacher because I do love to teach, but really I wont make the kind of money I dream about doing that; so. . . I need to start sending out applications.

4. will updtae my blog weekly or biweekly, even if everything I have to say is all of four lines; so many bloggers I follow get away with that and readers dont seem to mind.

5. Continue to keep a clean house and cook regularly; though those parts I think I have mastered. In my own way. I clean the whole house once a week; and cook once a day; shop once a week and do laundary twice a month; etc.

6. Get rid of my toxic friends, I did get that part down too but all of a sudden, I'm friends with everybody again and even though no one is under my skin yet, I think its time to begin weeding.

Had me a baby

Yep, went and had me a baby and thought I should write my own birth story before I forget it. Alas, its not as cute and romantic as those ones they show on TV; but its my story and that in itself makes it wonderful (at least to me).

I wont dwell on the pregnancy because I was too paranoid to let myself enjoy it. I thot I was going to loose it again. I was already two months gone before I let myself think I was possibly pregnant. I thought the missed periods were because of all the bleeding I'd already done in the weeks following the miss.

By the second trimester, I decided to blog about my fears to make them go away (since I no longer keep a journal). As I logged on, I visited my regulars and from one of them I heard a story much like my first experience. Her blog was inspired by another and trust me and my masochistic self, I had to read that sad tale although it had a happy ending. Read one more and could not take it anymore, each person miscarried twice and that kind of reinforced my own personal fear. I logged off and did not blog or read another blog for weeks.

Third trimester I was a bit confident, afterall, these days a baby born after 28 weeks is known to have fair survival chances. I even thought of having an elective c-section; so that I could stop feeling so anxious and before my body decided to kill the poor soul. Yep, its irrational but you somehow blame yourself.

Finally, at my last doctors visit, my doc confidently told me that I was probably going to see her a couple of more times before the baby came. A few days later, I was in labor. You know it doesnt happen like in the movies when the lady has one sharp pain and they all rush to the hospital. No, it starts gradually and gets progressively worse until you cannot concentrate.

On the said day, I went to work, got through the day, went to bed and kept waking up from the pain. I thought they could be the famous Braxton Hicks and kept quiet. By the next day, I was dying inside but tried not to make a fuss. I went to work, couldnt bear talking to customers while I was in so much pain and so I took the day off promising to come to work the next day.

When I got back home and reaalised that I wasnt focussed enough to get through ayatul Kursiyu I realised it was time. I had always prided myself on being strong but I wept like a baby. The doctors reassured me that I would get an epidural. Ashe, I was too far along for that. Next thing, they were pushing me into position and telling me to push. I push with all my might and feel this burning pain while fearing for my almost bursting anus. I dont dare stop pushing because I watched enough births on u-tube and know that the head could go back in. I give a second big push and the head comes out. Well, the rest wasnt that hard and in 18 minutes after I arrived at the hospital; It was all over. They throw this naked baby (who by the way looked like a skinny two month old) on me and tell me its mine. I know a lot of people say you don't start loving your baby until much later but I loved this one so much with

I'm fine and he's doing good too. He's a month plus now, sleeps eats and cries all day and night, smiles and laughs only in his sleep. I know I'm gushing so, let me end this now.

Do people choose their sexuality?

Last week, I woke up to the women on "the View" debating about whether you choose your sexuality. Of course it was on national TV so, everyone agreed that people chose to be gay just as much as they chose how tall they wanted to be. Agreed in yankee, everybody is accepted as they are but even in Naija where being gay is considered an abomination; we still have them. It made me wonder, would anybody in their right mind choose to be an outcast?

My awareness of the gay community began when I was about eleven years old. We had two gay teachers. I went to a northern public school in Nigeria and for those who are not very familiar with goings on in the North, the gay community though still being treated as outcasts, are a relevant community. They were openly gay, lived in houses paid for by their lovers, and were friends with each other. Both teachers were obviously the women and never molested the male kids.

Both teachers were were obvious because of their feminine ways but even at that early age, I wondered about their "men". Personally, I have no openly gay friends, but I have come across people who I suspected to be gay. A guy I served with, who well, was just too neat and well groomed for a guy. When he admired ladies, he did it with respect and of all my male friends on camp, he was the only one who wasn't getting laid, don't ask me how I knew. On the other hand, he was a devout Muslim and never joked with his prayers but I must confess I didn't see him ogling any guys, he just sent out gay vibes.

I also had two suspiciously gay female friends: one told me suggestively that we should get it on. I laughed it off and thought nothing of it, but my friend went to great lengths to tell me she was joking and I began to wonder. I had another friend who was trying to seduce me and when I ignored her overtures, she began to snub me and that was the end of our friendship.

Fast forward to today. I have never met so many gay people in my whole entire life. In fact, I've been so fascinated by them, the lesbians are a bit more like ordinary friends, its hard to think about them sleeping together, it makes me wonder why I'd want to sleep with my best friend. The guys are something else, over here most of them wear their trousers just below their asses. I recently discovered the difference between the people who do it cos its gangsta like and those who do it because they are gay. They wear earrings some do their hair, some dont, some are overtly feminine with the make up et al, others are feminine in a subtle way. The people who fascinate me the most are the "men" they are just like regular men who ladies would readily trip over themselves for. Some of them are so good looking, well dressed and good mannered its heartbreaking that of the billions of women available in the world who would readily throw themselves at their feet, it makes me wonder why they would choose to make another man's asshole their p***y (as my hubby colorfully puts it).

On the one hand, I think its not a choice. They were probably born that way. I have always had my personal preferences about men and most of the more superficial choices are not things I can rationally justify. First of all, they had to be dark, taller than me, older than me, didn't care too much if he was an Adonis but he just had to be clean, etc. Funny enough, I've wanted it that way ever since i was a preteen and my hubby today, almost twenty years later, fits the category. On the other hand, maybe its a choice because in naija homosexuality is predominant among students who go to single sex schools. Does that make it an environmental thing then?

Personally, I don't care about another persons' sexuality. As long as you and your partners are fulfilled sexually, as long as you are both adults and it makes you happy, its really none of anybody's business. I must confess though, that the two months I've spent here in my new place of work have been eye opening and full of things that make me wonder.

Am still here!

Been a while, I started a new job and six weeks into it, I'm still trying to adjust. I spent week one getting used to the new schedule and the classlike atmosphere of the training. Being the third oldest in the classroom, I try to act a bit brilliant but I must confess that I'm still working on that. Anyway week one was exhausting and full of jacking.

Week two, I notice even people I didn't know knew me(as in HR and management). Turns out some of my info was wrong and everyone was looking at me wondering how I'd fix it. Well, finally got that fixed and last week was just plain exhausting, getting to know the other trainees. Interesting, wacked, and sometimes clearly crazy people, I might say but, new environment, new gist.

Then came the actual work period and I wanted to quit. I am beginning to get the hang of it sha, getting used to the job, the people, and the company. Maybe I'll even hang some pictures in my cubicle today.

My marriage uncensored; the good, the bad, and the ugly

I have always told myself that I would not be one of those women who get married and then the only gist that comes from them is, my husband said this, did that; boring everyone around that has to listen politely. But for the lack of more "bloggable" stuff, sit back and read politely while I bore you with my marriage.


The good . . .

1) Its nice not having to pack my bags and go home after playing house. I always did that cos I didn't want to be one of those women who live in delusion (even after the intro), if the guy wants me around all the time then he better marry me. Another reason is cos I had actually just discovered some crazy friends who really made life more exciting in a different kind of way.
2) Some of the time, I am so glad I married DH and really can't picture myself with anyone else, he's just my other half.
3) Just knowing i don't have to search anymore, I was really losing my patience with men. The next guy always seemed worse than the former and I met some really wacked dudes.
4) The fact that sleeping with him is no longer an issue. I have various classes of acquaintances and do my best to get along with each. For those who value virtue (even if it was only in their dreams) I adopt the "sex before marriage, me? NEVAH!" stance and for those who were real, we swapped advice. If you're not telling then, I ain't telling and people who hide their sex live have nothing interesting to say anyway. Believe me, its not hypocrisy or dishonesty, its pure wisdom.
5) People just seem to love seeing young couples together. Whenever we go out together whether in jeans or lace, people always seem happy to see us together "looking like they did years ago"
6) Having someone to snuggle up to at night. I hate sleeping alone. I mean, if something was going to swoop in on me, I'd like to know there was someone to scream with. And on the other hand, if the "thing" only took one of us, there'd be someone left behind to tell the tale.
7) Having someone to harass when I feel like it. Gets boring sometimes because beau ignores it most of the time. But every now and then, I still get some reaction.
8) Getting my Mom off my back the woman had been pestering me about marriage for like four and a half years before it happened (it was hell and I am still suffering emotionally from that. I need to blog about that sometime)
9) He doesn't mind that I'm gaining one kind of nonsense weight.


The bad . . .

1) He is so annoying sometimes, always arguing about things that don't make a difference like who I buy groceries from.
2) I am not very wifely. I try to be, but its just not me. I know people who concoct all sorts of dishes, stock up on enticing lingerie, and keep the house sparkling. Not to mention calling the mother-in-law several times a week, and trying to blend with the sisters -in-law's, etc. Me, I am ashamed to say we cook about five dishes: eba, rice, spaghetti, indo mie and beans. It doesn't help matters that I am a very picky eater. I still wear the same underwear I wore before the wedding, the in-laws? I am not into "para po" and after what I've observed, am just very weary and have adopted the good fences build good neighbors policy. I am also not very domestic and am not ashamed to say that I clean the house twice a week and am not bothered. My guy is a grown man and should clean up after himself.
3) Gone are the days when I could go for a catching up session with my best friend because he's a guy. He's been awkward since I got married anyways and he's the one guy DH is suspicious of. In fact, all my single female friends are avoiding me and I had to start avoiding my male ones, the rest of whom I was not really close to anyway. There was nothing harder than having to give up (and be given up by) friends who I had taken years to make. Now there are no more sleep overs, no more drunken nights, no more woe is me gists. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and say only good things about my hubby and marriage (long live blogville).
4) When ever we argue, (yes, its been little over six months and we have had some very nasty arguments) I cant walk away for weeks and cool off with my friends. And believe me, I've learned to fight like a man: I've stopped saying sorry when its not my fault (and sometimes even when it is) and learned not to be the one to break the silence.
5)I don't care much for my in laws except for my Mother in law. She's a darling, but then I've never lived with her. And do not want to lest I begin to see her funny side as well.
6) All that gist about test driving before you buy? Really doesn't follow. We are often not in the mood at the same time anymore and I really dont know. Maybe there's another woman?
7) Seriously about the other woman, marriage makes you paranoid. Where once I'd never bothered. If I caught him with someone else or had sufficient evidence that there was someone else, I'd have picked one of my toasters readily even if it was just to have a fling. Now, I know I have to leave if that happens and I am scared shitless that I wont have the courage to do so.
8) More paranoia; the man comes home late, he must be seeing someone, he doesn't feel like sex, its someone else; he begins to worry about his appearance, you guessed right. See what marriage has done to me.


The downright ugly. . .

1) We argue about money all the time. He seems to think he has the right to tell me how to spend my money, and I ain't no slave, going out to work for my "master", thats where I draw the line. Before the wedding and some months after I selflessly did give him all of my earnings but I have long still realized that his loyalties are with his family and I have got to take care of me. . . and my unborn kids and my own family; after all I have one too.
2) He is a slob and seems to be getting lazier by the minute. I do not indulge him though. Sometimes I let him get his food himself just so he doesn't expect me to jump all the time. I also let him do his own laundry, cleaned his own wardrobe, and wash his dishes. If I do it all for him, he'll soon be asking me to follow him to the loo with a fan while he takes a crap, abegi the days of Ruth are long past.
3) Did I mention the sibling-in-laws?
4) Hubby has taken to contented snoring (whatever that is) he snores so loudly that he can be heard in the next flat. I think its nasty.
5) He never asks for directions. We just get lost and go home. I have given up trying to ask for directions for him because he just gets angry with me and I get angry with him then we argue and still end up going home.
6) He has this nasty habit of hanging things on doors; his towel, clothes he's worn which are "not dirty" unless its time to wash, the clothes he's planning to wear,it really drives me up the wall.

Really, wouldn't it have been more fun if we could just co habit and remain dating happily ever after?

Men

Still on the love matter, a brother of mine had this babe whom he loved so dearly. Or let me say, he loved her as much as his playboy nature would allow. There were other girls and many prospects but from our conversations, even without him admitting it, she was this icon in his eyes.

I have to give it to her sha, she played hard to get very well. Even I was impressed. After she was "gotten" she never pretended the guy was indispensable. He would complain about her attitude and yet he still spoke about her with so much respect especially behind her back and always jumped when she ordered. She knew about his flings and kept giving him time to give them up.

I am ashamed to say it was my fault she kicked him out and refuses to let him back. He'd given me his mobile phone on the day I lost my baby. I had just noticed some spots of blood and I wanted to call my brother who's a doctor and ask him what to do. My friend had left his babe in his room and gone to keep another appointment with another girl of his. After I made the call, I climbed upstairs, gave the phone to his babe at home, called my fiance and left for the hospital.

While the cherished babe held the phone, she later told me another one of his other babes called. She answered the phone, told the caller who she was, and they must have gotten into a "you husband snatcher" word exchange with each girl feeling the other was the trespasser. I guess the call upset her cos she took it out on bobo when he got back home.

The guy has begged, and pleaded and sent people to plead with her to come back. She is adamant and has decided to get herself a more faithful guy (whom she has found, though I am not allowed to say). He still has hopes that they will get back together, frankly i dont think so. the lady and I are still very good friends but sincerely, I'm not one to give bad advise. On the other hand the guy has all but told me it was my fault and is acting like I am the one reponsible for bringing her back. This thing has gone on for five months now, and he's still trying to get her back. What I don't get is. . .if he loved her so much, why was he misbehaving in the first place?

Unattested love

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, will never...never forget it." Anonymous

Once upon a not so long time ago, I fell head over heels in love with a married man. It all happened so suddenly, not the love at first sight kind of sudden, but very unexpectedly. I'd known the guy for a few weeks and really had nothing to say to him except important stuff because he was my cousins' friend and worked in the same bank as she did. Since my cousin lived far away in Katsina, he was sort of like a go between for money and property between both of us (my cousin and I).

All that changed when he gave me a lift and I got a glimpse of him as a person. I found out he was intelligent, cute in a Fulani-ish sort of way ( you cant blame me, I spent the better part of my life in northern Nigeria), he was soft spoken and there was that something I couldn't place a finger on that I found so attractive about him.

I stuffed my feelings, avoided him consciously, and did my best to brush the crush aside. All my resolutions were shaken when, one day, out of the blue, he called to say "hi". You know, the kind of hi that lasts for thirty minutes. The call ended with him telling me to come over because he just wanted to see me. He'd been trying to get my cousin to send something across so he'd have an excuse to have me come by. I on the other hand was seriously avoiding him, and had been getting my messages across via other means.

I did go for the visit, had a lovely time, and thereafter began visiting him every week. He also called twice a day and we'd talk for hours. In a month, the friendship had grown so much that I knew almost everything about him and I began to resent his wife.

She just had a kid and he was the perfect husband and father (if you could ignore my presence) I began to resent his wife so much that I hated to hear him talk about her. I loved his son, and his son loved me. After all, I consoled myself, he was supposed to have been my child. It all seems silly now, but I had a boyfriend whom I cant say I didn't love even when the obsession was going on, but who somehow, I'd blotted out. Maybe that was because the object of my affection knew I had a boyfriend and even knew a lot about him from our daily gist.

It all came to a head when he quietly told me he loved me "and just wanted me to know". Pardon my sarcasm but even though I'm a romantic at heart, I do know a booty call when I hear/see one coming. I knew he would never leave his wife for me - even if he did it'd be a long wait and my biological clock was ticking. On the other hand, believe it or not, I still felt some loyalty to my bobo. I'd have to call it off with him before I'd let myself move on. The thing was, a married man was not a good enough reason for me to end a five year relationship.

Well, I wrestled with myself for weeks, and tried to cut him off. It was as if he was doing the same thing, cos the calls all stopped coming. My heart bled and I cried inside for a love that I had lost even though I never had. One Sunday, as I sat at home in misery, he called me. My heart sang. My heart sang louder because he was obviously miserable as well, told me he tried but couldn't let go, and was calling from his home with his wife around (call me crazy, but we had a standing rule that we never talked when he was at home, to me at the time, this act to me, was proof that he respected me more than he did his wife). I was elated, I threw aside my sack cloth and decided to go on with the affair, booty call or not.

I decided I was going to enjoy his company, let the love blossom, and enjoy life, no strings attached. We resumed our affair, and waited for any opportunity to consummate it. The opportunity came when he had a seminar to attend in Abuja. I lived at home with my parents and would just have to think of a convincing lie. I told everyone I was going for a wedding. The seminar was for daytime anyway, and so, I'd leave on Saturday morning. I'd even have time to prepare myself.

I dreamed of our first night together, we'd have a romantic dinner, see the sights of Abuja, and generally hang out. Reality set in, and it occured to me that we'd have to hide out - that kind hope no one saw you coming kind of thing - because his colleagues were there, and he was newly wed and they'd still be on his wife's side.

On the D - day, my heart filled with love, I thought about what I was doing and well, decided to stay at home. I wanted him to love and respect me, if anyone had to hide and be the whore, it shouldn't be me. Also, I was soooo naive at the time and did not understand the therapeutic angle of flings. Lastly, I wanted him to fight for me, like kill his wife or something, so that we could be together.

Well, I really cut him off that day, I told him I wasn't interested, and worked him out of my system, tried to get closer to my boyfriend and let it all go down the drain.

I still think about him every now and then, we assumed a platonic friendship a year later. A week to my wedding, he told me he was happy for me, and still loved me. I was glad to read the words and gladder still that things went the way they had. But I still wonder about what could have been, and bask in the sweetness of unattested love.

The life that I live.

I got home late and very tired last night. Only a month ago, I'd have gone to crash at a friends place, closer to my place of work but now I'm "married" and had to go on home. As I climbed up the four flights of stairs, resting at each landing, the only thought on my mind was to hit the shower and crawl into bed. I consoled myself with thoughts of curling up under the blanket with the ac at full blast and probably I'd finish the Undomestic Goddess; a book i've been reading for a month now.

When I get to the door, I hear the television on, and I hope its my sister-in-law at home and not my husband. Whenever I'm this tired, I pretend to be asleep when DH comes in; otherwise, I'll have to warm his food, and look for accompaniments for his meal, which I don't mind most of the time, except when I'm tired. Besides, he knows how to work the stove very well. Alas, I walk in and hubby is watching tv in the dark. I go to give him a hug and kiss and ask about his day.

Moji: You're home early today.

DH: Yeah, I've been at home for over an hour now, and I'm starving.

I look around for something to hit on his head. I mean, the man has been at home and he couldn't start dinner or ask his sis to do it?(We live with two and a half siblings-in-law.) Too tired to argue, I go into the kitchen and thank God for the makers of indo mie. May their brand continue to grow and excel.

DH comes into the kitchen to ask what's for dinner, I ignore him. Take my bath while cooking and by the time I'm through, I'm fresh, dinner is ready and served. My sis in law appears and asks "you've cooked?!" in mock surprise. She should thank her stars that I came from a good home. I forgive her because DH does acknowledge his sisters' laziness and she's a sweet girl where physical work is not concerned.

Of course when DH saw the dirty looks I'd been giving him, he told me how it was the best meal he'd had today, blah, blah, blah, to get back into my good books. I let him off the hook, gist for a few seconds before I slink off to bed, hoping he'd take an hour or so before he decides to join me. This was not to be as he follows me in a few seconds later. Guy that he is, thinks that the best way to make up for the night is with sex. If I had known, I'd have boned him early on.

Ah well, welcome to the world of a tired married woman.

P. S.: I love my marriage, my husband and sometimes my siblings in law. But boys will be boys, wont they?

Happily Ever After

Its been a long week. My first week back to work since my wedding two Saturdays ago. I would've posted pix but, nah. I prefer to remain anonymous. Married life is so so, and not all its cracked up to be (just like every other thing: sex, cigarettes, booze, etc). I do like the living together part. The cooking is a drag though, I shall start being a good wife and make breakfast every morning as from next week, so help me God. Thats not easy because, I have to leave home at 6:30am. He usually is in the mood at 4:00am and, I'm one of those women who fall asleep immediately afterwards. An hour's sleep is barely enough rest for me to get through the day. I take a long time waking up too. End result: I usually rush out of bed, get dressed and leave for work in 30 minutes and DH has to drink coffee for breakfast. He hasn't complained, yet, but I want to be a good wife.

There's this freedom I feel, unlike before when I avoided the neighbors. Not the Desperate housewife Susan Meyer kind of avoidance, but I just kept my distance because good fences build good neighbors and I didn't want to end up being the subject of gossip. Now, I have to make friends with them so I can have people to show off my wedding album and video to.

Anyhow, personally, deep inside myself, I don't feel any different than I did before the wedding. I don't love him more (or less for that matter), I don't feel as if I've accomplished a major life goal. I feel like me. How long does it take for the change in feeling to come, I wonder.

My father's daughter

This was a post I had wanted to make a few days to my wedding day:


I have spent a lot of time with my father this week. Its bringing back memories that I don't want to have and making me depressed. Me and my Dad used to be really close before I became a teenager. I was indisputably not his favorite kid (that was my sister, difference being that she was the protected one) but I was the one always trusted with taking care of everybody else. I was the enigma that he respected. Really, whenever I had something to say, the man listened. He asked my opinion about almost anything, including his business. I decided his business name over 20 years ago, chose th location for the business, decided we should move to Nigeria from the US, and a host of other things. My decision often over rode my mother's and it took me a while to understand why she took that so personally (after all, I was her daughter) I thought I was lucky and that someone must've told him I was a prophet or something of sorts. We began falling out when I became a teenager and in my late teens, we developed this civil relationship that wasn't cold, but all the same wasn't all that warm.

I came home ten days ago for my wedding and me and the man are bonding so much it frightens me. We leave together in the morning and come back home in the evening. Its making me feel funny. I am feeling so sorry for all those years we could've remained friends and for some reason weren't. Ah well, that's one of many tales of fathers and their daughters.

One morning

One morning, I woke up and realised that there was something different about my body. I was incredibly fatigued, I was getting cramps and I just generally did not feel so good. A week later, it occurred to me that I could be pregnant and I freaked. A week later, I got over it and began to warm up to the young being that was growing inside of me. I began to talk to her and even named her (don't ask me how I knew it was a she, yu just do).

I joined all the baby sites I came across, babygaga.com, pregnancy.com, etc. And joined all the other May 2008 Mommies on all the boards I saw. Believe me, its cool being pregnant. You glow naturally and just have this inner happiness that I can't explain.

I lost the pregnancy a day before it became an official viable fetus (according to webMD) and I am coming to terms with it. It just happened though, I've thought of a thousand things I could have done differently, I know deep down inside that it was never meant to be. So, this is the final stage of my grieving process. I'm letting go. Unfortunately, no one told me how hard it was (I do know a few people who have experienced it). Its so so hard. Its over a week now, the pregnancy was only nine weeks and I'm still hurting. DH is okay, being as supportive as he knows how to be (silence, silence and silence as usual) we haven't even mentioned it but for onnce, I am grateful for the silence. I don't think I could cope if I had to recount the incident over and over again to people, so its a good thing that only the two of us knew about it.

Confrontations

I am not very good with confrontations. If I must confront someone on something they have done that I do not like, I find that it's better to stay quiet. I'm one of those women who say nasty things when I'm angry. The worst part of it (I think) is that what I usually say is so close to home that the other person always feels the blow. Fortunately, I rarely confront people unless I am really pushed to the wall (thanks to Mom and Dad. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones racing through my body, or the preparations that are driving me crazy whatever it is, I think I have got to stay away from people.

We all have that colleague/classmate/sibling or whoever who loves to hog the limelight. They love recognition and feeling important and always feel as if things only run with them around. I was blessed with two of such siblings and basically, I have learnt that as long as they are not bugging me directly and/or slowing me down, they need to be ignored to avoid quarrels. Anyway, I have a colleague thats like that and it had been becoming extremely difficult to ignore her.

First of all, she takes honest jokes seriously. Then, in her eyes, she is the only
person at work that actually works at work and of course, she says repeatedly about how all of the rest of us people are always swamping her with our own work (needless to say that she does this with things that are her responsibility). My patience with her has been growing rather thin and yesterday, we had a less than pleasant exchange of words. Nothing nasty or loud. Okay I confess, it was nasty but ran more like a discussion than an argument. I subtly put her in her place and made my position clear .

So, why do I feel I over reacted? I have played it time and time again in my head and have come up with different ways I could have handled the situation. Well, we're both respecting each other today so, thats a good sign.

I think I'm pregnant

Yep, I and I ain't telling a soul until after the wedding. I have actually spent a lot of time worrying and weighing my options, planning my life etc.

Let me confess, I've been freaking out over the whole issue until this morning. I mean, I don't have a good job, the wedding is still about two months away, I may not be able to start a career until early 2009, I am not ready to be pregnant talk-less of being a mother, and on and on and on.

To be frank, I am not even sure yet. It could be that I'm just late. I will take a test on Saturday though and clear that part up. Then if I'm not, it will turn out that I've been worrying over nothing. If I am, then my EDD will be at the end of April, almost six months after the wedding.

I am not against being pregnant before the wedding because, really in a relationship, its all about whatever works for you. And I have realised that after the wedding day, your issues will be money, in-laws, in-laws and in-laws and not about how you agreed to have sex before marriage.

But please young girls reading this, keep your cherry for as long as you can. Sex does not equal love and learn to use it as a reward for being treated nicely. And please note that he has to do ten nice things before you do two (if you know what I mean) There. I've done my piece for the youth.

I don't need any unnecessary attention so, I wont tell hubby-to-be even, until maybe a month after the wedding. Then the career thing. I really don't know how I want to juggle that. No one will give me a job and let me go on leave after six months. Baby has to be at least six months to go to a creche and thats about November 2008, the end of the year when most businesses will be rounding up for the year. that leaves me here until 2009. thats a long time.

Actually, I don't feel pregnant. I have been sleeping a lot but that could be as a result of stress. I am not putting on weight, though I usually do just before my monthly (strange huh?) I really don't know. Its all his fault. All through this month he has been staring at people's babies and playing with them. I am superstitious about a lot of things. I dont trust myself to take the test on my own and i don't want go to my clinic, not yet anyway until I'm sure so I'll just go to a lab. On the bright side, I may begin to throw up any moment from now. And I would lose a lot of weight. Will try to stay calm.

Before I get me

Today is one of those days, Pink couldn't have said it better, I really do want to be somebody else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. It's just one of those days.

Let me introduce myself, I'm in my late twenties, engaged, in between jobs, and generally trying to put it all together. I actually intended to start this after my wedding so it could be a chronicle of my married life, but I changed my mind, I need this now. I have always kept a journal, but growing up in a house of five - six kids, sharing a room with three of them and not to mention the cousins, aunts, and their friends who were always around, I never had any privacy.

In fact, it's still so irritating to me that someone will read your journal and not have the decency to pretend they didn't see anything personal. Years later, I do think journaling is therapeutic and I'd love to share my thoughts and I honestly believe that I express myself better in writing. I've also missed having a pen pal (I had one for about five years).

I love to read, mostly fiction, memoirs (you can actually feel the writer), and used to read but have sworn myself off self help and How to books (e.g. How to be a better entrepreneur and blah blah blah), except for Laura Schlessinger's "Cook for your Husband". That wonderful book opened my eyes to relationships and honestly, I probably would not be getting married to my SW if I hadn't read it. Let me explain, me and my boyfriend always have had communication issues, because he doesn't talk to me. Not that he doesn't talk at all but you know, intimate talking. I would tell him about the most mundane happenings in my life or someone else's and he'd be grunting along, or just giving me responses that make it obvious that he's just not listening and, worst of all he didn't want to talk about feelings, his or mine.

I tried to get over it by initiating conversations, ignoring him and breaking up with him. Nothing ever worked.

Meanwhile, I'd also been feeling like a piece of meat because he was so much more concerned about our sex life than our emotional intimacy. Then I read that book where Dr. Laura said that communication to women is like sex to men and then, I understood. That was my light bulb moment. I learnt to tolerate the fact that he did not want to confide his worries to me and when I notice him getting moody, I try not to pry him for information and cook for him or just baby him instead. He still doesn't talk much and I still nag and ignore him about it sometimes and I still envy those blessed women who have companions that are not averse to share their feelings, but now, I don't take it personal because I know that it's not me and I know that he adores me in many other ways.

Back to me, am not a movie freak but I love TV. My favorite colours are blue and blends of blue, and I think I'd make a good interior decorator.

I feel so much lighter already. Ttyl.