Monday, December 29, 2008

Things I need to do in 2009

2008 wasnt such a bad year for me, spent the year pregnant, complaining, being a mom to a newborn, cried rivers over the most mundane things (must be all the hormones); starting a new life and trying to redefine myself. I do not make new years' resolutions because I believe that when you decide to change your life, now is as good a time as any. I make my resolutions as I go along but because this time they will coincide with the new year for simplicity sake, I will call them new years resolutions.

My spiritual life has got to be improved; I will do my best to say my five daily prayers on time; fast more; etc, that's between me and my maker, don't want to go into details. . .

I have defined my diet now; no more juice, been drinking gallons while convincing myself that juice is healthy so I'm cutting out juice and soda. From now on, its water and tea until I get close enough to my target weight of 62kg. As for the food; I'm cutting out in between meals, cake and ice cream; will stop eating with hubby so i can have a good idea of what i actually consume and because he is a bad influence on me food wise. I also have this bad habit of eating when i get home from work at about 11:30pm. I do that because it helps me sleep and because I am a good girl with bad habits; I will replace the food with a warm bath, that should relax me enough to put me to sleep.

I will try to work out for an hour every morning; I printed off this exercise routine from yahoo health, have bought myself dumbbells so, I'm good to go. I will also power walk 5 laps around the nearby school field every morning, tummy and strength train after wards.

Even if I don't lose the weight, I will make sure my hair and skin looks nice, never leave the house without eyeliner; try to dress well; sound vain eh? Believe me when I say I've let myself go if I need some vanity to restore my looks then so be it.

Of course plus the regulars, be the best mommy, wife, sister, friend, employee, daughter, in-law, that I possibly can be, so help me God. Wishing everyone a happy and prosperous 2009!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Hope I'll be able to post after this;

Been sooo tired lately, there's always something to do. I havent really had time for myself and I've been going around with the looks of a person who has no time for herself.

Wake up call came a few days ago when I dragged myself out for a hair cut and the lady told me I had better get my hair routine back because my son will need something to boast about when he begins talking, and I realise that I have truely let myself go.

So, among my new week resolutions are

1. Will lose all the weight I gained after my delivery. I was back in my cute pre pregnancy jeans two weeks after baby came. Dunno what happened a month later; its like i wake up in the morning and find that I gained a few more pounds from just sleeping intermittently between babys cries and hubby's snores. Got a few new clothes to tide me over but its been five months and I am still getting bigger. Something has got to be done about this. I do not have a stragtegy yet, but all I know is, I have got to lose the weight. I am looking at starvaing myself(dieting), excercising, and getting some of that tea that makes you purge whatever you eat.

2. I already got my hair cut and its cute, if I may say so myself. But I'm going to make sure my hair is made all the time (may my pockets be filled with the money to make that possible); and make sure that my son has something to boast about when the time comes.

3. I hate my job, though I am grateful to the Almighty that I have one when so many are losing theirs. I need something that I can feel good about when I get up in the morning. On the other hand, I was thinking of becoming a teacher because I do love to teach, but really I wont make the kind of money I dream about doing that; so. . . I need to start sending out applications.

4. will updtae my blog weekly or biweekly, even if everything I have to say is all of four lines; so many bloggers I follow get away with that and readers dont seem to mind.

5. Continue to keep a clean house and cook regularly; though those parts I think I have mastered. In my own way. I clean the whole house once a week; and cook once a day; shop once a week and do laundary twice a month; etc.

6. Get rid of my toxic friends, I did get that part down too but all of a sudden, I'm friends with everybody again and even though no one is under my skin yet, I think its time to begin weeding.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Had me a baby

Yep, went and had me a baby and thought I should write my own birth story before I forget it. Alas, its not as cute and romantic as those ones they show on TV; but its my story and that in itself makes it wonderful (at least to me).

I wont dwell on the pregnancy because I was too paranoid to let myself enjoy it. I thot I was going to loose it again. I was already two months gone before I let myself think I was possibly pregnant. I thought the missed periods were because of all the bleeding I'd already done in the weeks following the miss.

By the second trimester, I decided to blog about my fears to make them go away (since I no longer keep a journal). As I logged on, I visited my regulars and from one of them I heard a story much like my first experience. Her blog was inspired by another and trust me and my masochistic self, I had to read that sad tale although it had a happy ending. Read one more and could not take it anymore, each person miscarried twice and that kind of reinforced my own personal fear. I logged off and did not blog or read another blog for weeks.

Third trimester I was a bit confident, afterall, these days a baby born after 28 weeks is known to have fair survival chances. I even thought of having an elective c-section; so that I could stop feeling so anxious and before my body decided to kill the poor soul. Yep, its irrational but you somehow blame yourself.

Finally, at my last doctors visit, my doc confidently told me that I was probably going to see her a couple of more times before the baby came. A few days later, I was in labor. You know it doesnt happen like in the movies when the lady has one sharp pain and they all rush to the hospital. No, it starts gradually and gets progressively worse until you cannot concentrate.

On the said day, I went to work, got through the day, went to bed and kept waking up from the pain. I thought they could be the famous Braxton Hicks and kept quiet. By the next day, I was dying inside but tried not to make a fuss. I went to work, couldnt bear talking to customers while I was in so much pain and so I took the day off promising to come to work the next day.

When I got back home and reaalised that I wasnt focussed enough to get through ayatul Kursiyu I realised it was time. I had always prided myself on being strong but I wept like a baby. The doctors reassured me that I would get an epidural. Ashe, I was too far along for that. Next thing, they were pushing me into position and telling me to push. I push with all my might and feel this burning pain while fearing for my almost bursting anus. I dont dare stop pushing because I watched enough births on u-tube and know that the head could go back in. I give a second big push and the head comes out. Well, the rest wasnt that hard and in 18 minutes after I arrived at the hospital; It was all over. They throw this naked baby (who by the way looked like a skinny two month old) on me and tell me its mine. I know a lot of people say you don't start loving your baby until much later but I loved this one so much with

I'm fine and he's doing good too. He's a month plus now, sleeps eats and cries all day and night, smiles and laughs only in his sleep. I know I'm gushing so, let me end this now.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Do people choose their sexuality?

Last week, I woke up to the women on "the View" debating about whether you choose your sexuality. Of course it was on national TV so, everyone agreed that people chose to be gay just as much as they chose how tall they wanted to be. Agreed in yankee, everybody is accepted as they are but even in Naija where being gay is considered an abomination; we still have them. It made me wonder, would anybody in their right mind choose to be an outcast?

My awareness of the gay community began when I was about eleven years old. We had two gay teachers. I went to a northern public school in Nigeria and for those who are not very familiar with goings on in the North, the gay community though still being treated as outcasts, are a relevant community. They were openly gay, lived in houses paid for by their lovers, and were friends with each other. Both teachers were obviously the women and never molested the male kids.

Both teachers were were obvious because of their feminine ways but even at that early age, I wondered about their "men". Personally, I have no openly gay friends, but I have come across people who I suspected to be gay. A guy I served with, who well, was just too neat and well groomed for a guy. When he admired ladies, he did it with respect and of all my male friends on camp, he was the only one who wasn't getting laid, don't ask me how I knew. On the other hand, he was a devout Muslim and never joked with his prayers but I must confess I didn't see him ogling any guys, he just sent out gay vibes.

I also had two suspiciously gay female friends: one told me suggestively that we should get it on. I laughed it off and thought nothing of it, but my friend went to great lengths to tell me she was joking and I began to wonder. I had another friend who was trying to seduce me and when I ignored her overtures, she began to snub me and that was the end of our friendship.

Fast forward to today. I have never met so many gay people in my whole entire life. In fact, I've been so fascinated by them, the lesbians are a bit more like ordinary friends, its hard to think about them sleeping together, it makes me wonder why I'd want to sleep with my best friend. The guys are something else, over here most of them wear their trousers just below their asses. I recently discovered the difference between the people who do it cos its gangsta like and those who do it because they are gay. They wear earrings some do their hair, some dont, some are overtly feminine with the make up et al, others are feminine in a subtle way. The people who fascinate me the most are the "men" they are just like regular men who ladies would readily trip over themselves for. Some of them are so good looking, well dressed and good mannered its heartbreaking that of the billions of women available in the world who would readily throw themselves at their feet, it makes me wonder why they would choose to make another man's asshole their p***y (as my hubby colorfully puts it).

On the one hand, I think its not a choice. They were probably born that way. I have always had my personal preferences about men and most of the more superficial choices are not things I can rationally justify. First of all, they had to be dark, taller than me, older than me, didn't care too much if he was an Adonis but he just had to be clean, etc. Funny enough, I've wanted it that way ever since i was a preteen and my hubby today, almost twenty years later, fits the category. On the other hand, maybe its a choice because in naija homosexuality is predominant among students who go to single sex schools. Does that make it an environmental thing then?

Personally, I don't care about another persons' sexuality. As long as you and your partners are fulfilled sexually, as long as you are both adults and it makes you happy, its really none of anybody's business. I must confess though, that the two months I've spent here in my new place of work have been eye opening and full of things that make me wonder.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Am still here!

Been a while, I started a new job and six weeks into it, I'm still trying to adjust. I spent week one getting used to the new schedule and the classlike atmosphere of the training. Being the third oldest in the classroom, I try to act a bit brilliant but I must confess that I'm still working on that. Anyway week one was exhausting and full of jacking.

Week two, I notice even people I didn't know knew me(as in HR and management). Turns out some of my info was wrong and everyone was looking at me wondering how I'd fix it. Well, finally got that fixed and last week was just plain exhausting, getting to know the other trainees. Interesting, wacked, and sometimes clearly crazy people, I might say but, new environment, new gist.

Then came the actual work period and I wanted to quit. I am beginning to get the hang of it sha, getting used to the job, the people, and the company. Maybe I'll even hang some pictures in my cubicle today.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

My marriage uncensored; the good, the bad, and the ugly

I have always told myself that I would not be one of those women who get married and then the only gist that comes from them is, my husband said this, did that; boring everyone around that has to listen politely. But for the lack of more "bloggable" stuff, sit back and read politely while I bore you with my marriage.

The good . . .

1) Its nice not having to pack my bags and go home after playing house. I always did that cos I didn't want to be one of those women who live in delusion (even after the intro), if the guy wants me around all the time then he better marry me. Another reason is cos I had actually just discovered some crazy friends who really made life more exciting in a different kind of way.
2) Some of the time, I am so glad I married DH and really can't picture myself with anyone else, he's just my other half.
3) Just knowing i don't have to search anymore, I was really losing my patience with men. The next guy always seemed worse than the former and I met some really wacked dudes.
4) The fact that sleeping with him is no longer an issue. I have various classes of acquaintances and do my best to get along with each. For those who value virtue (even if it was only in their dreams) I adopt the "sex before marriage, me? NEVAH!" stance and for those who were real, we swapped advice. If you're not telling then, I ain't telling and people who hide their sex live have nothing interesting to say anyway. Believe me, its not hypocrisy or dishonesty, its pure wisdom.
5) People just seem to love seeing young couples together. Whenever we go out together whether in jeans or lace, people always seem happy to see us together "looking like they did years ago"
6) Having someone to snuggle up to at night. I hate sleeping alone. I mean, if something was going to swoop in on me, I'd like to know there was someone to scream with. And on the other hand, if the "thing" only took one of us, there'd be someone left behind to tell the tale.
7) Having someone to harass when I feel like it. Gets boring sometimes because beau ignores it most of the time. But every now and then, I still get some reaction.
8) Getting my Mom off my back the woman had been pestering me about marriage for like four and a half years before it happened (it was hell and I am still suffering emotionally from that. I need to blog about that sometime)
9) He doesn't mind that I'm gaining one kind of nonsense weight.

The bad . . .

1) He is so annoying sometimes, always arguing about things that don't make a difference like who I buy groceries from.
2) I am not very wifely. I try to be, but its just not me. I know people who concoct all sorts of dishes, stock up on enticing lingerie, and keep the house sparkling. Not to mention calling the mother-in-law several times a week, and trying to blend with the sisters -in-law's, etc. Me, I am ashamed to say we cook about five dishes: eba, rice, spaghetti, indo mie and beans. It doesn't help matters that I am a very picky eater. I still wear the same underwear I wore before the wedding, the in-laws? I am not into "para po" and after what I've observed, am just very weary and have adopted the good fences build good neighbors policy. I am also not very domestic and am not ashamed to say that I clean the house twice a week and am not bothered. My guy is a grown man and should clean up after himself.
3) Gone are the days when I could go for a catching up session with my best friend because he's a guy. He's been awkward since I got married anyways and he's the one guy DH is suspicious of. In fact, all my single female friends are avoiding me and I had to start avoiding my male ones, the rest of whom I was not really close to anyway. There was nothing harder than having to give up (and be given up by) friends who I had taken years to make. Now there are no more sleep overs, no more drunken nights, no more woe is me gists. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and say only good things about my hubby and marriage (long live blogville).
4) When ever we argue, (yes, its been little over six months and we have had some very nasty arguments) I cant walk away for weeks and cool off with my friends. And believe me, I've learned to fight like a man: I've stopped saying sorry when its not my fault (and sometimes even when it is) and learned not to be the one to break the silence.
5)I don't care much for my in laws except for my Mother in law. She's a darling, but then I've never lived with her. And do not want to lest I begin to see her funny side as well.
6) All that gist about test driving before you buy? Really doesn't follow. We are often not in the mood at the same time anymore and I really dont know. Maybe there's another woman?
7) Seriously about the other woman, marriage makes you paranoid. Where once I'd never bothered. If I caught him with someone else or had sufficient evidence that there was someone else, I'd have picked one of my toasters readily even if it was just to have a fling. Now, I know I have to leave if that happens and I am scared shitless that I wont have the courage to do so.
8) More paranoia; the man comes home late, he must be seeing someone, he doesn't feel like sex, its someone else; he begins to worry about his appearance, you guessed right. See what marriage has done to me.

The downright ugly. . .

1) We argue about money all the time. He seems to think he has the right to tell me how to spend my money, and I ain't no slave, going out to work for my "master", thats where I draw the line. Before the wedding and some months after I selflessly did give him all of my earnings but I have long still realized that his loyalties are with his family and I have got to take care of me. . . and my unborn kids and my own family; after all I have one too.
2) He is a slob and seems to be getting lazier by the minute. I do not indulge him though. Sometimes I let him get his food himself just so he doesn't expect me to jump all the time. I also let him do his own laundry, cleaned his own wardrobe, and wash his dishes. If I do it all for him, he'll soon be asking me to follow him to the loo with a fan while he takes a crap, abegi the days of Ruth are long past.
3) Did I mention the sibling-in-laws?
4) Hubby has taken to contented snoring (whatever that is) he snores so loudly that he can be heard in the next flat. I think its nasty.
5) He never asks for directions. We just get lost and go home. I have given up trying to ask for directions for him because he just gets angry with me and I get angry with him then we argue and still end up going home.
6) He has this nasty habit of hanging things on doors; his towel, clothes he's worn which are "not dirty" unless its time to wash, the clothes he's planning to wear,it really drives me up the wall.

Really, wouldn't it have been more fun if we could just co habit and remain dating happily ever after?

Monday, April 21, 2008


Still on the love matter, a brother of mine had this babe whom he loved so dearly. Or let me say, he loved her as much as his playboy nature would allow. There were other girls and many prospects but from our conversations, even without him admitting it, she was this icon in his eyes.

I have to give it to her sha, she played hard to get very well. Even I was impressed. After she was "gotten" she never pretended the guy was indispensable. He would complain about her attitude and yet he still spoke about her with so much respect especially behind her back and always jumped when she ordered. She knew about his flings and kept giving him time to give them up.

I am ashamed to say it was my fault she kicked him out and refuses to let him back. He'd given me his mobile phone on the day I lost my baby. I had just noticed some spots of blood and I wanted to call my brother who's a doctor and ask him what to do. My friend had left his babe in his room and gone to keep another appointment with another girl of his. After I made the call, I climbed upstairs, gave the phone to his babe at home, called my fiance and left for the hospital.

While the cherished babe held the phone, she later told me another one of his other babes called. She answered the phone, told the caller who she was, and they must have gotten into a "you husband snatcher" word exchange with each girl feeling the other was the trespasser. I guess the call upset her cos she took it out on bobo when he got back home.

The guy has begged, and pleaded and sent people to plead with her to come back. She is adamant and has decided to get herself a more faithful guy (whom she has found, though I am not allowed to say). He still has hopes that they will get back together, frankly i dont think so. the lady and I are still very good friends but sincerely, I'm not one to give bad advise. On the other hand the guy has all but told me it was my fault and is acting like I am the one reponsible for bringing her back. This thing has gone on for five months now, and he's still trying to get her back. What I don't get is. . .if he loved her so much, why was he misbehaving in the first place?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Unattested love

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, will never...never forget it." Anonymous

Once upon a not so long time ago, I fell head over heels in love with a married man. It all happened so suddenly, not the love at first sight kind of sudden, but very unexpectedly. I'd known the guy for a few weeks and really had nothing to say to him except important stuff because he was my cousins' friend and worked in the same bank as she did. Since my cousin lived far away in Katsina, he was sort of like a go between for money and property between both of us (my cousin and I).

All that changed when he gave me a lift and I got a glimpse of him as a person. I found out he was intelligent, cute in a Fulani-ish sort of way ( you cant blame me, I spent the better part of my life in northern Nigeria), he was soft spoken and there was that something I couldn't place a finger on that I found so attractive about him.

I stuffed my feelings, avoided him consciously, and did my best to brush the crush aside. All my resolutions were shaken when, one day, out of the blue, he called to say "hi". You know, the kind of hi that lasts for thirty minutes. The call ended with him telling me to come over because he just wanted to see me. He'd been trying to get my cousin to send something across so he'd have an excuse to have me come by. I on the other hand was seriously avoiding him, and had been getting my messages across via other means.

I did go for the visit, had a lovely time, and thereafter began visiting him every week. He also called twice a day and we'd talk for hours. In a month, the friendship had grown so much that I knew almost everything about him and I began to resent his wife.

She just had a kid and he was the perfect husband and father (if you could ignore my presence) I began to resent his wife so much that I hated to hear him talk about her. I loved his son, and his son loved me. After all, I consoled myself, he was supposed to have been my child. It all seems silly now, but I had a boyfriend whom I cant say I didn't love even when the obsession was going on, but who somehow, I'd blotted out. Maybe that was because the object of my affection knew I had a boyfriend and even knew a lot about him from our daily gist.

It all came to a head when he quietly told me he loved me "and just wanted me to know". Pardon my sarcasm but even though I'm a romantic at heart, I do know a booty call when I hear/see one coming. I knew he would never leave his wife for me - even if he did it'd be a long wait and my biological clock was ticking. On the other hand, believe it or not, I still felt some loyalty to my bobo. I'd have to call it off with him before I'd let myself move on. The thing was, a married man was not a good enough reason for me to end a five year relationship.

Well, I wrestled with myself for weeks, and tried to cut him off. It was as if he was doing the same thing, cos the calls all stopped coming. My heart bled and I cried inside for a love that I had lost even though I never had. One Sunday, as I sat at home in misery, he called me. My heart sang. My heart sang louder because he was obviously miserable as well, told me he tried but couldn't let go, and was calling from his home with his wife around (call me crazy, but we had a standing rule that we never talked when he was at home, to me at the time, this act to me, was proof that he respected me more than he did his wife). I was elated, I threw aside my sack cloth and decided to go on with the affair, booty call or not.

I decided I was going to enjoy his company, let the love blossom, and enjoy life, no strings attached. We resumed our affair, and waited for any opportunity to consummate it. The opportunity came when he had a seminar to attend in Abuja. I lived at home with my parents and would just have to think of a convincing lie. I told everyone I was going for a wedding. The seminar was for daytime anyway, and so, I'd leave on Saturday morning. I'd even have time to prepare myself.

I dreamed of our first night together, we'd have a romantic dinner, see the sights of Abuja, and generally hang out. Reality set in, and it occured to me that we'd have to hide out - that kind hope no one saw you coming kind of thing - because his colleagues were there, and he was newly wed and they'd still be on his wife's side.

On the D - day, my heart filled with love, I thought about what I was doing and well, decided to stay at home. I wanted him to love and respect me, if anyone had to hide and be the whore, it shouldn't be me. Also, I was soooo naive at the time and did not understand the therapeutic angle of flings. Lastly, I wanted him to fight for me, like kill his wife or something, so that we could be together.

Well, I really cut him off that day, I told him I wasn't interested, and worked him out of my system, tried to get closer to my boyfriend and let it all go down the drain.

I still think about him every now and then, we assumed a platonic friendship a year later. A week to my wedding, he told me he was happy for me, and still loved me. I was glad to read the words and gladder still that things went the way they had. But I still wonder about what could have been, and bask in the sweetness of unattested love.