Friday, July 15, 2016

Raising Einstein

I always thought I would have very intelligent kids. Not just making good grades at school, but you know those kids who read without being told, do their homework (by themselves, no incentives) and that kind of stuff :).

Some people think its an environmental thing but I disagree. I was not raised in such a household but I was such a kid. My husband is pretty much the same. His parents did not even bother enrolling their kids in school to avoid paying school fees until one day, he sneaked out with his friend and went to school with him. The baby sitter was out of her mind with worry knowing that people would accuse her of kidnapping the child and after looking everywhere and crying up and down the street, she saw him arrive with his friend (lucky her that back then schools closed at 1pm). In case you are wondering why the teacher did not ask, honestly, Naija was a different place back then. Even in the eighties, we used to occasionally bring our two year old sister to school in uniform even though she was not enrolled. Teachers never minded. Anyhow, the traumatized woman made it clear that she could not look after him and then his parents were forced to put him in school.

My kids are so lazy that it scares me. Yeah they both read early effortlessly sef because I was more focused on one's speech and the other's multiple issues, I did not have the time to teach them. They are intelligent and fast learners, but lazy. For example, older kid can read "above his grade level" (I would never say it out loud but, we held him back a year and since public schools only "practice" with kids what they already know, that means nothing. The boy will be starting 2nd grade in September when he really should be going in to third grade. So therefore, above grade level for him at the end of 1st grade should be 3rd grade na. But no, his teacher proudly tells me he is at 2nd grade level in reading and expects me to start doing cartwheels. His Math took lots of blood and he barely got any of the concepts. He can do the work but he cannot explain anything. Younger child also reads a grade above his next years' class of 1st grade and same thing applies. Besides, I listen to both of them read daily and am appalled at the low expectations these people have for my children. Is it because we are immigrants?!?!

Hubby and I also have different philosophies when it comes to raising children. I believe in nurturing your kids and making good decisions for them regarding their home life and education. This helps ingrain in them purpose and discipline. I always wanted a job that would see me home at five, so I can make dinner (hubby does not like to eat out), do home work with the kids, talk to them, fix bad habits before they get worse, etc. My husband tends to think that they will just wake up one day, with good habits, studious and driven to succeed. His "vision" is for us both to work our buts off and amass millions for us and trust funds for the kids and their future education. While its doable his way, he refuses to pay for a tutor for our intelligent but lazy and unmotivated kids. I advocate for a tutor (aka lesson teacher) because, we were both always at work and even when he is off, his interaction with the kids is limited to them fetching and carrying.

I am naturally hands on and can do it myself but if I have to make the kind of money he wants "us" to make I cannot work as many hours, clean house (did I mention that he does not want a maid, and refuses to do anything, and now thinks the kids are old enough to do it all), teach kids, play with them, practice speech with one and socialize them both without breaking down. Coupled with him giving speeches  about how he will disown any child that "does not want to go to school" (so he can have an escuse to keep the money that we both worked hard for, *loud hiss*). Those have stopped due to my raining insults on him, and willing that fate on his outside children and none of my own, (which I regretted but I was pushed; happened many years ago and I have since repented and he has since stopped the dumb bragging).

In my opinion, you have to choose. Will worry about raising their college tuition money later, I cut my hours to work on them now. That is just one of many differences we have in child rearing. Now I am at the point where I think I may not be the best teacher for them, they are so far behind, and spend more time at school, we need to start looking at schools that will actually work with them. Hubby thinks am being frivolous after all, education is free in America, why pay for something when you have it free? I have complained about their lack of knowledge, the inappropriate homework and have gone off on a teacher that tried to imply that we were not doing enough at home and hence the deficits that she did not see. I will chronicle my "school fights" one of these days.

It is so exhausting to be a parent. Needless to say, when I started getting a bad rep at the kids school over things that we agreed needed to be addressed, my hubby turns around to tell me how "I dey go show my true colors outside". Even more so when a child has two parents physically but one parent seems to think they will raise themselves. Don't get me wrong, he is on board with anything I suggest as long as he does not have to physically do anything to enforce or carry it out and its free.


On a side note,  my use of so therefore is something I learnt from Mrs Udokpo my beloved primary four teacher who inspired in me a love of maths and love for teaching (she would say "SO" and draw the three dots for therefore while she was explaining, lol). She was also short and smallish and to make up for her height was wicked and punished us for anything and everything. I wish I could say she took a special liking to me but she thought I was dull and the only reason why I did well with her is she kind of carried the class along, explained in different ways, gave lots of homework and classwork, and I just typically did as I was told. Before I was her pupil, Math and Greek were one and the same. But even years later, I would never have been the mathematician I became if it were not for her. I wonder where she is now.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Missing my "friend"

I used to have a friend who I liked. She was my kind of person but extra controlling and extra bossy. she has a lot of Yoruba wisdom though and was my go to person for etiquette.

You see, I was raised Yoruba up North by parents who had spent a lot of time abroad. Me sef I know am dilute when it comes to etiquette. So, I am not aware of a lot of things like keeping ankara iro and buba for a guest, etc.

I had to cut ties with her because I found myself always offending her one way or another and constantly having to apologize. The final straw was one day, i was begging her for crap I don't recall but I do recall being very much irritated. I can't stand drama queens. barely a week later, we had another fallout and this time, I did not call her to talk about it and apologize like I used to. After some time, she called me. I let her speak. And when she started demanding an apology since i did not offer it, i had to hold back my laughter as I explained why I was the one who needed the apology. She was livid! We since made up but we aren't close anymore. Now, we play phone/social media tag where she ignores my calls and messages if I dont respond to hers within minutes.

I really need her Yoruba wisdom with another situation though.


Sunday, May 8, 2016

Secret Families

I am a member of a Muslim wives group that I somehow thought would teach me more about my religion and of course, how to be a better wife. I am indeed an excellent wife right now, just that you always want to stay on top of your game. Unfortunately, all everybody wants to talk about is how to prevent their husband from taking another wife. While polygamy is permissible in Islam, I don't know why any man in this day and age would dabble into it. Apparently even in the UK and USA, it is a growing phenomenon #sigh#. My opinion is to be the best wife you can be and respect yourself so that even if he gets another wife, you will have options. God forbid but my hubby finds it difficult to be fair so frankly I wont go as far as polygamy with him.

From this group, I have learnt that there are many "secret marriages" as well. As in the dude will take on another wife (or mistress) and the wife will be none the wiser. This is really nothing new because as a former avid reader of Classique, PrimePeople, Vintage People, Hints, Hearts, SweetHearts and all the soft sell magazines of the late eighties and early nineties, it's been happening forever. I remember all of those women who thought that they had perfect homes and the most wonderful husband and then the man dies and she meets his "other family". Or she get an invitation to something that she knows nothing about and calls to let them know that they have the wrong person and finds out that her husband has another address. There was also the classic other woman coming to confront our dream wife who thought that she had everything.

My Dad was always home when he was not at work. In fact when his friends called him out to drink, he would go home, pick up my mom and go meet them there. He was always home for dinner and we all answered his calls (with the advent of GSM), he was that open. He also has a brother who was trying to get him and the rest of the family to escourt him to the home of his prospective second wife. My Dad was very clear about my Uncle not taking a second wife to avoid putting the kids through what they went through as kids. Now in spite of all of the above, if one woman appears with four kids saying she be my Papa secret wife, I would not be shocked. I am saying all this to tell you how much I do not trust anyone that has a "third leg".

And so it came to pass that I was helping hubby reset his email on his phone since I am the "techie" one of us two and while I was trying to decide if I should wipe the device to fix the issue, I see this lady's name on his phone. I don't know why she caught my eye. I jokingly asked who she was and he stuttered. I decided not to wipe his phone and dropped it, planning to ask him about her when we went to bed. I was later trying to look for a picture of me and my mom only to stumble upon an online album of an out of town wedding my hubby went for some years back. The pictures were shared between me and this lady I found on his phone.

Anyway I immediately facebooked, googled and linkdined the chick. Single mother, lives 3 hours away and oh my God, I am seriously wondering if my husband has a secret family.

Saturday, April 9, 2016


I was just blog hopping and feeling frustrated at how many bloggers refuse to update. *Sigh* I remebmer a time not so long ago when it took me three hours to finish reading my favorite blogs.

Everyone I know just had a baby this past year or is preggers. My biological clock is telling me now or never but my head is telling me no. Oga was telling me to get my tubes tied and I have helped him schedule his vasectomy. Lets see if he goes through with it. If he does get the vasectomy then so be it. Otherwise I will let fate decide and do something permanent in September.

Weight is just increasing like crazy.

I caved in and relaxed my hair. My hair has grown but the lower back portion is still longer than the rest (part of the reason why I cut it off to begin with). I have reaized that natural hair does not grow faster, its just harder to neglect. After months of looking up ways to straighten natural hair. Gaskiya some of the methods were as bizarre as threading every night (I no fit) to daily flat ironing. My final straw was this colleague of mine that does wash and go with my type of hair. I just know I cannot leave the house with my hair looking like hers. Its bad enough to be over weight. To not take care of oneself on top would be a travesty.

I hat my job even more now. Seriously looking for another.