Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I think I'm pregnant

Yep, I and I ain't telling a soul until after the wedding. I have actually spent a lot of time worrying and weighing my options, planning my life etc.

Let me confess, I've been freaking out over the whole issue until this morning. I mean, I don't have a good job, the wedding is still about two months away, I may not be able to start a career until early 2009, I am not ready to be pregnant talk-less of being a mother, and on and on and on.

To be frank, I am not even sure yet. It could be that I'm just late. I will take a test on Saturday though and clear that part up. Then if I'm not, it will turn out that I've been worrying over nothing. If I am, then my EDD will be at the end of April, almost six months after the wedding.

I am not against being pregnant before the wedding because, really in a relationship, its all about whatever works for you. And I have realised that after the wedding day, your issues will be money, in-laws, in-laws and in-laws and not about how you agreed to have sex before marriage.

But please young girls reading this, keep your cherry for as long as you can. Sex does not equal love and learn to use it as a reward for being treated nicely. And please note that he has to do ten nice things before you do two (if you know what I mean) There. I've done my piece for the youth.

I don't need any unnecessary attention so, I wont tell hubby-to-be even, until maybe a month after the wedding. Then the career thing. I really don't know how I want to juggle that. No one will give me a job and let me go on leave after six months. Baby has to be at least six months to go to a creche and thats about November 2008, the end of the year when most businesses will be rounding up for the year. that leaves me here until 2009. thats a long time.

Actually, I don't feel pregnant. I have been sleeping a lot but that could be as a result of stress. I am not putting on weight, though I usually do just before my monthly (strange huh?) I really don't know. Its all his fault. All through this month he has been staring at people's babies and playing with them. I am superstitious about a lot of things. I dont trust myself to take the test on my own and i don't want go to my clinic, not yet anyway until I'm sure so I'll just go to a lab. On the bright side, I may begin to throw up any moment from now. And I would lose a lot of weight. Will try to stay calm.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Before I get me

Today is one of those days, Pink couldn't have said it better, I really do want to be somebody else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. It's just one of those days.

Let me introduce myself, I'm in my late twenties, engaged, in between jobs, and generally trying to put it all together. I actually intended to start this after my wedding so it could be a chronicle of my married life, but I changed my mind, I need this now. I have always kept a journal, but growing up in a house of five - six kids, sharing a room with three of them and not to mention the cousins, aunts, and their friends who were always around, I never had any privacy.

In fact, it's still so irritating to me that someone will read your journal and not have the decency to pretend they didn't see anything personal. Years later, I do think journaling is therapeutic and I'd love to share my thoughts and I honestly believe that I express myself better in writing. I've also missed having a pen pal (I had one for about five years).

I love to read, mostly fiction, memoirs (you can actually feel the writer), and used to read but have sworn myself off self help and How to books (e.g. How to be a better entrepreneur and blah blah blah), except for Laura Schlessinger's "Cook for your Husband". That wonderful book opened my eyes to relationships and honestly, I probably would not be getting married to my SW if I hadn't read it. Let me explain, me and my boyfriend always have had communication issues, because he doesn't talk to me. Not that he doesn't talk at all but you know, intimate talking. I would tell him about the most mundane happenings in my life or someone else's and he'd be grunting along, or just giving me responses that make it obvious that he's just not listening and, worst of all he didn't want to talk about feelings, his or mine.

I tried to get over it by initiating conversations, ignoring him and breaking up with him. Nothing ever worked.

Meanwhile, I'd also been feeling like a piece of meat because he was so much more concerned about our sex life than our emotional intimacy. Then I read that book where Dr. Laura said that communication to women is like sex to men and then, I understood. That was my light bulb moment. I learnt to tolerate the fact that he did not want to confide his worries to me and when I notice him getting moody, I try not to pry him for information and cook for him or just baby him instead. He still doesn't talk much and I still nag and ignore him about it sometimes and I still envy those blessed women who have companions that are not averse to share their feelings, but now, I don't take it personal because I know that it's not me and I know that he adores me in many other ways.

Back to me, am not a movie freak but I love TV. My favorite colours are blue and blends of blue, and I think I'd make a good interior decorator.

I feel so much lighter already. Ttyl.