I just tire, as usual. You know we all dream of going to america , struggling for a while and then living the good life but my reality has been far different from what i expected. I knew it was starting from scratch, that part went as planned, problem is 2.5 years later am still at scratch, I just don't know what to do again.
Was supposed to start a nursing career, except my Nigerian husband is all for the idea but just not interested in lending the reliability needed for that. And I have no relatives here who can help even a few hours a week, friends are either in the same boat or just too darn competitive its sickening and well, i put that on hold.
My current job is soo stressful, no time for me or the kids, I work 50h weeks 6 days a week, they keep finding a reason to reduce your pay (attendance- my pay was cut when i had my first baby because i was absent, and when i had to rush any of them to the ER; not selling, quality, etc they come up with something new each day) To top it off spend all day dealing with rude customers, rude collegues, and horrible conditions. Am so grateful i have a job, yet am so fed up with all the daily stress, am so tired I sometimes don't know how i get home or how i got to work.
I guess it was the pregnancy, my stressful job, unhappiness, and a lot of other factors, i decided to become a teacher, its not my dream job, but it would give me more money, more time, and more security. I squeezed out the hours, took the certification and licensing required and here i am today not a single offer. (School resumes August so, schools are staffed by this time, unless i keep praying for someone to get fired, die or something).
And yet when home people call, point of correction you call them or they flash you n you call back all they have to say is did you call lagbaja?
At this point I JUST TIRE and. . . .I doesn't know what to do.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Had fun at work today, we get paid friday and girl at work sawher paycheck and all the overtime hours paid off, she got a "huge" check and was so happy she started booty clapping. Its this dance she does moving one leg and bouncing her hips, yes like joke her but cheeks began clapping.
Her carefree attitude jolted me out of my moodiness (am still job hunting) and I let her teach me how to do the booty clap. My ass is bigger and firmer, i did not think my cheeks would flap, but brothers and sisters, its all about getting the bounce, I got the move so well, I showed off to the rest of the team.
My sup caught me doing the dance and his expression was a true Kodak moment. He asked the girl to move her stuff cos, he did not want me corrupted, lol (I think he likes the calmer more predictable me). Boy, have I changed!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
That was my first ultrasound photo. I looked at it and saw the profile of a baby, husband saw it and some how managed to see feet and arms. I must agree that it is a little hard to see what that is. When I was finally going to be told the sex, the Doc and his nurse (husband and wife running a practice with their four grown up sons, used to wonder how they did it without pissing each other off- by my third visit, I realized they were human and yup, they do go for each other's throats every now and then, but for the most part they work really well together) smiled at each other and smile at me and ask "was that what you wanted?" am looking at the screen with its lights and shadows seeing nothing and I ask "what is it?" they had to tell me cos I dont see anything on the screen but I did see him in the photos.
Wasn't really anxious to have a girl, with all the fashion craze girls of today have instilled in them from toddlerhood, plus the hair, etc you just cannot avoid with a girl, I confess I was kind of relieved to be having another boy. Plus the first year of growth is so fast, i had so many boy stuff for my older son, the girl would have just had to wear them like that as mama's still waiting for dream job to land.
I had the delivery all planned, was going to go in early so I could get an epidural cos first time i got to the hospital too late. And you know how you expect your next baby will come sooner? Lies, all lies! My previous baby was two weeks early, and this time, my due date came and went. By the time i was two weeks past my due date, my doc got tired of my nagging and scheduled an induction. I was fixed for Monday evening since that was the earliest date available. Then on Friday evening, I got a call from the hospital saying that one of the women scheduled for Sunday just had her baby so I could take her place. It was not to be. I started haivg contractions a few hours later. They were so irregular that I wasn't sure if labor had actually started.
So, I sat and waited for one of the 3 signs: water breaking, mucus plug or bloody show. Then, I timed the contractions too. when i sat for an hour and felt nothing, i got ready for bed and next thing i felt an almost imperceptible pop and flow of water ( I always expected a burst and gush of water, with my first, they had to break the bag just before i started pushing) we rushed to the hospital and an hour later, i was holding my bundle of joy.
I bled so much afterwards they left me in the delivery room for a few extra hours, I had to get an extra bag of "drip" and got my first ever dose of coedine, after which, bliss, bliss , bliss. . . I understand why people get addicted to the stuff, I was floating in space and have never felt so free. Just drifting in and out it was almost scary. Got back to earth a few hours later and asked for more, lol. They refused cos I was breastfeeding.
I no go lie, going from 1 kid to two was (and still is) hard. Am good with the mommy thing but working 50 hours a week+ 70 hours of classes, plus no family help and a hubby who goes off duty at will (but becos he does so much already, i let him be) I was so scared I was having panic attacks; I would wake up in cold sweat and sometimes just gripped by paralysing fear. did not stop untill I got back to work; was still taking my classes and hubby who would not help much with one kid has thrown himself into nanny mode.
Doing OK except that I don't know where the last two years have gone. . . I keep having this nagging feeling that I have accomplished nothing. Dont get me wrong am gratefull for the hubby and kids, but those don't count as things I did. I really am not sure what to do with myself next and just get so tired trying to decide, gist for another day. . .
And my baby is no longer a baby, oh no. he is a boy now and a naugthy stubborn one at that. It never ceases to amaze me how smart this boy thinks himself to be. He actually thinks I don't see him run when he's somewhere he's not supposed to be doing what he's not supposed to be doing. Hmm, am trying to get him into this Jewish preschool, and I have this inner feeling that they do not want him to attend, they keep on giving me the run around. Am waiting for May 15 when they told me to call back again, been posting me since Febuary. In case you are wondering why I want him there
a) i need the boy socialized, in an organized setting
b) they came highly recommended
c) as a working mom with a working hubby, we really can't do the bedtime stories (boy doesn't even seem interested, prefers to turn the pages by himself, lick the book, or turn it into a toy) am too tired to do more than feed, bathe and play with them both before we , or rather I, collapse into bed and they join me in boredom (or fear of the dark?)
d) his idea of a conversation is mommy talking and him babbling, if he goes to school he will talk faster, and I so love that stage when they can carry their end of conversations even if its with baby talk.
Its all good sha, I fully intend to reach 50 posts before August, so help me God. Haba, in almost three years!