Am still here!

Been a while, I started a new job and six weeks into it, I'm still trying to adjust. I spent week one getting used to the new schedule and the classlike atmosphere of the training. Being the third oldest in the classroom, I try to act a bit brilliant but I must confess that I'm still working on that. Anyway week one was exhausting and full of jacking.

Week two, I notice even people I didn't know knew me(as in HR and management). Turns out some of my info was wrong and everyone was looking at me wondering how I'd fix it. Well, finally got that fixed and last week was just plain exhausting, getting to know the other trainees. Interesting, wacked, and sometimes clearly crazy people, I might say but, new environment, new gist.

Then came the actual work period and I wanted to quit. I am beginning to get the hang of it sha, getting used to the job, the people, and the company. Maybe I'll even hang some pictures in my cubicle today.

My marriage uncensored; the good, the bad, and the ugly

I have always told myself that I would not be one of those women who get married and then the only gist that comes from them is, my husband said this, did that; boring everyone around that has to listen politely. But for the lack of more "bloggable" stuff, sit back and read politely while I bore you with my marriage.


The good . . .

1) Its nice not having to pack my bags and go home after playing house. I always did that cos I didn't want to be one of those women who live in delusion (even after the intro), if the guy wants me around all the time then he better marry me. Another reason is cos I had actually just discovered some crazy friends who really made life more exciting in a different kind of way.
2) Some of the time, I am so glad I married DH and really can't picture myself with anyone else, he's just my other half.
3) Just knowing i don't have to search anymore, I was really losing my patience with men. The next guy always seemed worse than the former and I met some really wacked dudes.
4) The fact that sleeping with him is no longer an issue. I have various classes of acquaintances and do my best to get along with each. For those who value virtue (even if it was only in their dreams) I adopt the "sex before marriage, me? NEVAH!" stance and for those who were real, we swapped advice. If you're not telling then, I ain't telling and people who hide their sex live have nothing interesting to say anyway. Believe me, its not hypocrisy or dishonesty, its pure wisdom.
5) People just seem to love seeing young couples together. Whenever we go out together whether in jeans or lace, people always seem happy to see us together "looking like they did years ago"
6) Having someone to snuggle up to at night. I hate sleeping alone. I mean, if something was going to swoop in on me, I'd like to know there was someone to scream with. And on the other hand, if the "thing" only took one of us, there'd be someone left behind to tell the tale.
7) Having someone to harass when I feel like it. Gets boring sometimes because beau ignores it most of the time. But every now and then, I still get some reaction.
8) Getting my Mom off my back the woman had been pestering me about marriage for like four and a half years before it happened (it was hell and I am still suffering emotionally from that. I need to blog about that sometime)
9) He doesn't mind that I'm gaining one kind of nonsense weight.


The bad . . .

1) He is so annoying sometimes, always arguing about things that don't make a difference like who I buy groceries from.
2) I am not very wifely. I try to be, but its just not me. I know people who concoct all sorts of dishes, stock up on enticing lingerie, and keep the house sparkling. Not to mention calling the mother-in-law several times a week, and trying to blend with the sisters -in-law's, etc. Me, I am ashamed to say we cook about five dishes: eba, rice, spaghetti, indo mie and beans. It doesn't help matters that I am a very picky eater. I still wear the same underwear I wore before the wedding, the in-laws? I am not into "para po" and after what I've observed, am just very weary and have adopted the good fences build good neighbors policy. I am also not very domestic and am not ashamed to say that I clean the house twice a week and am not bothered. My guy is a grown man and should clean up after himself.
3) Gone are the days when I could go for a catching up session with my best friend because he's a guy. He's been awkward since I got married anyways and he's the one guy DH is suspicious of. In fact, all my single female friends are avoiding me and I had to start avoiding my male ones, the rest of whom I was not really close to anyway. There was nothing harder than having to give up (and be given up by) friends who I had taken years to make. Now there are no more sleep overs, no more drunken nights, no more woe is me gists. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and say only good things about my hubby and marriage (long live blogville).
4) When ever we argue, (yes, its been little over six months and we have had some very nasty arguments) I cant walk away for weeks and cool off with my friends. And believe me, I've learned to fight like a man: I've stopped saying sorry when its not my fault (and sometimes even when it is) and learned not to be the one to break the silence.
5)I don't care much for my in laws except for my Mother in law. She's a darling, but then I've never lived with her. And do not want to lest I begin to see her funny side as well.
6) All that gist about test driving before you buy? Really doesn't follow. We are often not in the mood at the same time anymore and I really dont know. Maybe there's another woman?
7) Seriously about the other woman, marriage makes you paranoid. Where once I'd never bothered. If I caught him with someone else or had sufficient evidence that there was someone else, I'd have picked one of my toasters readily even if it was just to have a fling. Now, I know I have to leave if that happens and I am scared shitless that I wont have the courage to do so.
8) More paranoia; the man comes home late, he must be seeing someone, he doesn't feel like sex, its someone else; he begins to worry about his appearance, you guessed right. See what marriage has done to me.


The downright ugly. . .

1) We argue about money all the time. He seems to think he has the right to tell me how to spend my money, and I ain't no slave, going out to work for my "master", thats where I draw the line. Before the wedding and some months after I selflessly did give him all of my earnings but I have long still realized that his loyalties are with his family and I have got to take care of me. . . and my unborn kids and my own family; after all I have one too.
2) He is a slob and seems to be getting lazier by the minute. I do not indulge him though. Sometimes I let him get his food himself just so he doesn't expect me to jump all the time. I also let him do his own laundry, cleaned his own wardrobe, and wash his dishes. If I do it all for him, he'll soon be asking me to follow him to the loo with a fan while he takes a crap, abegi the days of Ruth are long past.
3) Did I mention the sibling-in-laws?
4) Hubby has taken to contented snoring (whatever that is) he snores so loudly that he can be heard in the next flat. I think its nasty.
5) He never asks for directions. We just get lost and go home. I have given up trying to ask for directions for him because he just gets angry with me and I get angry with him then we argue and still end up going home.
6) He has this nasty habit of hanging things on doors; his towel, clothes he's worn which are "not dirty" unless its time to wash, the clothes he's planning to wear,it really drives me up the wall.

Really, wouldn't it have been more fun if we could just co habit and remain dating happily ever after?

Men

Still on the love matter, a brother of mine had this babe whom he loved so dearly. Or let me say, he loved her as much as his playboy nature would allow. There were other girls and many prospects but from our conversations, even without him admitting it, she was this icon in his eyes.

I have to give it to her sha, she played hard to get very well. Even I was impressed. After she was "gotten" she never pretended the guy was indispensable. He would complain about her attitude and yet he still spoke about her with so much respect especially behind her back and always jumped when she ordered. She knew about his flings and kept giving him time to give them up.

I am ashamed to say it was my fault she kicked him out and refuses to let him back. He'd given me his mobile phone on the day I lost my baby. I had just noticed some spots of blood and I wanted to call my brother who's a doctor and ask him what to do. My friend had left his babe in his room and gone to keep another appointment with another girl of his. After I made the call, I climbed upstairs, gave the phone to his babe at home, called my fiance and left for the hospital.

While the cherished babe held the phone, she later told me another one of his other babes called. She answered the phone, told the caller who she was, and they must have gotten into a "you husband snatcher" word exchange with each girl feeling the other was the trespasser. I guess the call upset her cos she took it out on bobo when he got back home.

The guy has begged, and pleaded and sent people to plead with her to come back. She is adamant and has decided to get herself a more faithful guy (whom she has found, though I am not allowed to say). He still has hopes that they will get back together, frankly i dont think so. the lady and I are still very good friends but sincerely, I'm not one to give bad advise. On the other hand the guy has all but told me it was my fault and is acting like I am the one reponsible for bringing her back. This thing has gone on for five months now, and he's still trying to get her back. What I don't get is. . .if he loved her so much, why was he misbehaving in the first place?

Unattested love

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, will never...never forget it." Anonymous

Once upon a not so long time ago, I fell head over heels in love with a married man. It all happened so suddenly, not the love at first sight kind of sudden, but very unexpectedly. I'd known the guy for a few weeks and really had nothing to say to him except important stuff because he was my cousins' friend and worked in the same bank as she did. Since my cousin lived far away in Katsina, he was sort of like a go between for money and property between both of us (my cousin and I).

All that changed when he gave me a lift and I got a glimpse of him as a person. I found out he was intelligent, cute in a Fulani-ish sort of way ( you cant blame me, I spent the better part of my life in northern Nigeria), he was soft spoken and there was that something I couldn't place a finger on that I found so attractive about him.

I stuffed my feelings, avoided him consciously, and did my best to brush the crush aside. All my resolutions were shaken when, one day, out of the blue, he called to say "hi". You know, the kind of hi that lasts for thirty minutes. The call ended with him telling me to come over because he just wanted to see me. He'd been trying to get my cousin to send something across so he'd have an excuse to have me come by. I on the other hand was seriously avoiding him, and had been getting my messages across via other means.

I did go for the visit, had a lovely time, and thereafter began visiting him every week. He also called twice a day and we'd talk for hours. In a month, the friendship had grown so much that I knew almost everything about him and I began to resent his wife.

She just had a kid and he was the perfect husband and father (if you could ignore my presence) I began to resent his wife so much that I hated to hear him talk about her. I loved his son, and his son loved me. After all, I consoled myself, he was supposed to have been my child. It all seems silly now, but I had a boyfriend whom I cant say I didn't love even when the obsession was going on, but who somehow, I'd blotted out. Maybe that was because the object of my affection knew I had a boyfriend and even knew a lot about him from our daily gist.

It all came to a head when he quietly told me he loved me "and just wanted me to know". Pardon my sarcasm but even though I'm a romantic at heart, I do know a booty call when I hear/see one coming. I knew he would never leave his wife for me - even if he did it'd be a long wait and my biological clock was ticking. On the other hand, believe it or not, I still felt some loyalty to my bobo. I'd have to call it off with him before I'd let myself move on. The thing was, a married man was not a good enough reason for me to end a five year relationship.

Well, I wrestled with myself for weeks, and tried to cut him off. It was as if he was doing the same thing, cos the calls all stopped coming. My heart bled and I cried inside for a love that I had lost even though I never had. One Sunday, as I sat at home in misery, he called me. My heart sang. My heart sang louder because he was obviously miserable as well, told me he tried but couldn't let go, and was calling from his home with his wife around (call me crazy, but we had a standing rule that we never talked when he was at home, to me at the time, this act to me, was proof that he respected me more than he did his wife). I was elated, I threw aside my sack cloth and decided to go on with the affair, booty call or not.

I decided I was going to enjoy his company, let the love blossom, and enjoy life, no strings attached. We resumed our affair, and waited for any opportunity to consummate it. The opportunity came when he had a seminar to attend in Abuja. I lived at home with my parents and would just have to think of a convincing lie. I told everyone I was going for a wedding. The seminar was for daytime anyway, and so, I'd leave on Saturday morning. I'd even have time to prepare myself.

I dreamed of our first night together, we'd have a romantic dinner, see the sights of Abuja, and generally hang out. Reality set in, and it occured to me that we'd have to hide out - that kind hope no one saw you coming kind of thing - because his colleagues were there, and he was newly wed and they'd still be on his wife's side.

On the D - day, my heart filled with love, I thought about what I was doing and well, decided to stay at home. I wanted him to love and respect me, if anyone had to hide and be the whore, it shouldn't be me. Also, I was soooo naive at the time and did not understand the therapeutic angle of flings. Lastly, I wanted him to fight for me, like kill his wife or something, so that we could be together.

Well, I really cut him off that day, I told him I wasn't interested, and worked him out of my system, tried to get closer to my boyfriend and let it all go down the drain.

I still think about him every now and then, we assumed a platonic friendship a year later. A week to my wedding, he told me he was happy for me, and still loved me. I was glad to read the words and gladder still that things went the way they had. But I still wonder about what could have been, and bask in the sweetness of unattested love.

The life that I live.

I got home late and very tired last night. Only a month ago, I'd have gone to crash at a friends place, closer to my place of work but now I'm "married" and had to go on home. As I climbed up the four flights of stairs, resting at each landing, the only thought on my mind was to hit the shower and crawl into bed. I consoled myself with thoughts of curling up under the blanket with the ac at full blast and probably I'd finish the Undomestic Goddess; a book i've been reading for a month now.

When I get to the door, I hear the television on, and I hope its my sister-in-law at home and not my husband. Whenever I'm this tired, I pretend to be asleep when DH comes in; otherwise, I'll have to warm his food, and look for accompaniments for his meal, which I don't mind most of the time, except when I'm tired. Besides, he knows how to work the stove very well. Alas, I walk in and hubby is watching tv in the dark. I go to give him a hug and kiss and ask about his day.

Moji: You're home early today.

DH: Yeah, I've been at home for over an hour now, and I'm starving.

I look around for something to hit on his head. I mean, the man has been at home and he couldn't start dinner or ask his sis to do it?(We live with two and a half siblings-in-law.) Too tired to argue, I go into the kitchen and thank God for the makers of indo mie. May their brand continue to grow and excel.

DH comes into the kitchen to ask what's for dinner, I ignore him. Take my bath while cooking and by the time I'm through, I'm fresh, dinner is ready and served. My sis in law appears and asks "you've cooked?!" in mock surprise. She should thank her stars that I came from a good home. I forgive her because DH does acknowledge his sisters' laziness and she's a sweet girl where physical work is not concerned.

Of course when DH saw the dirty looks I'd been giving him, he told me how it was the best meal he'd had today, blah, blah, blah, to get back into my good books. I let him off the hook, gist for a few seconds before I slink off to bed, hoping he'd take an hour or so before he decides to join me. This was not to be as he follows me in a few seconds later. Guy that he is, thinks that the best way to make up for the night is with sex. If I had known, I'd have boned him early on.

Ah well, welcome to the world of a tired married woman.

P. S.: I love my marriage, my husband and sometimes my siblings in law. But boys will be boys, wont they?

Happily Ever After

Its been a long week. My first week back to work since my wedding two Saturdays ago. I would've posted pix but, nah. I prefer to remain anonymous. Married life is so so, and not all its cracked up to be (just like every other thing: sex, cigarettes, booze, etc). I do like the living together part. The cooking is a drag though, I shall start being a good wife and make breakfast every morning as from next week, so help me God. Thats not easy because, I have to leave home at 6:30am. He usually is in the mood at 4:00am and, I'm one of those women who fall asleep immediately afterwards. An hour's sleep is barely enough rest for me to get through the day. I take a long time waking up too. End result: I usually rush out of bed, get dressed and leave for work in 30 minutes and DH has to drink coffee for breakfast. He hasn't complained, yet, but I want to be a good wife.

There's this freedom I feel, unlike before when I avoided the neighbors. Not the Desperate housewife Susan Meyer kind of avoidance, but I just kept my distance because good fences build good neighbors and I didn't want to end up being the subject of gossip. Now, I have to make friends with them so I can have people to show off my wedding album and video to.

Anyhow, personally, deep inside myself, I don't feel any different than I did before the wedding. I don't love him more (or less for that matter), I don't feel as if I've accomplished a major life goal. I feel like me. How long does it take for the change in feeling to come, I wonder.

My father's daughter

This was a post I had wanted to make a few days to my wedding day:


I have spent a lot of time with my father this week. Its bringing back memories that I don't want to have and making me depressed. Me and my Dad used to be really close before I became a teenager. I was indisputably not his favorite kid (that was my sister, difference being that she was the protected one) but I was the one always trusted with taking care of everybody else. I was the enigma that he respected. Really, whenever I had something to say, the man listened. He asked my opinion about almost anything, including his business. I decided his business name over 20 years ago, chose th location for the business, decided we should move to Nigeria from the US, and a host of other things. My decision often over rode my mother's and it took me a while to understand why she took that so personally (after all, I was her daughter) I thought I was lucky and that someone must've told him I was a prophet or something of sorts. We began falling out when I became a teenager and in my late teens, we developed this civil relationship that wasn't cold, but all the same wasn't all that warm.

I came home ten days ago for my wedding and me and the man are bonding so much it frightens me. We leave together in the morning and come back home in the evening. Its making me feel funny. I am feeling so sorry for all those years we could've remained friends and for some reason weren't. Ah well, that's one of many tales of fathers and their daughters.

One morning

One morning, I woke up and realised that there was something different about my body. I was incredibly fatigued, I was getting cramps and I just generally did not feel so good. A week later, it occurred to me that I could be pregnant and I freaked. A week later, I got over it and began to warm up to the young being that was growing inside of me. I began to talk to her and even named her (don't ask me how I knew it was a she, yu just do).

I joined all the baby sites I came across, babygaga.com, pregnancy.com, etc. And joined all the other May 2008 Mommies on all the boards I saw. Believe me, its cool being pregnant. You glow naturally and just have this inner happiness that I can't explain.

I lost the pregnancy a day before it became an official viable fetus (according to webMD) and I am coming to terms with it. It just happened though, I've thought of a thousand things I could have done differently, I know deep down inside that it was never meant to be. So, this is the final stage of my grieving process. I'm letting go. Unfortunately, no one told me how hard it was (I do know a few people who have experienced it). Its so so hard. Its over a week now, the pregnancy was only nine weeks and I'm still hurting. DH is okay, being as supportive as he knows how to be (silence, silence and silence as usual) we haven't even mentioned it but for onnce, I am grateful for the silence. I don't think I could cope if I had to recount the incident over and over again to people, so its a good thing that only the two of us knew about it.

Confrontations

I am not very good with confrontations. If I must confront someone on something they have done that I do not like, I find that it's better to stay quiet. I'm one of those women who say nasty things when I'm angry. The worst part of it (I think) is that what I usually say is so close to home that the other person always feels the blow. Fortunately, I rarely confront people unless I am really pushed to the wall (thanks to Mom and Dad. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones racing through my body, or the preparations that are driving me crazy whatever it is, I think I have got to stay away from people.

We all have that colleague/classmate/sibling or whoever who loves to hog the limelight. They love recognition and feeling important and always feel as if things only run with them around. I was blessed with two of such siblings and basically, I have learnt that as long as they are not bugging me directly and/or slowing me down, they need to be ignored to avoid quarrels. Anyway, I have a colleague thats like that and it had been becoming extremely difficult to ignore her.

First of all, she takes honest jokes seriously. Then, in her eyes, she is the only
person at work that actually works at work and of course, she says repeatedly about how all of the rest of us people are always swamping her with our own work (needless to say that she does this with things that are her responsibility). My patience with her has been growing rather thin and yesterday, we had a less than pleasant exchange of words. Nothing nasty or loud. Okay I confess, it was nasty but ran more like a discussion than an argument. I subtly put her in her place and made my position clear .

So, why do I feel I over reacted? I have played it time and time again in my head and have come up with different ways I could have handled the situation. Well, we're both respecting each other today so, thats a good sign.

I think I'm pregnant

Yep, I and I ain't telling a soul until after the wedding. I have actually spent a lot of time worrying and weighing my options, planning my life etc.

Let me confess, I've been freaking out over the whole issue until this morning. I mean, I don't have a good job, the wedding is still about two months away, I may not be able to start a career until early 2009, I am not ready to be pregnant talk-less of being a mother, and on and on and on.

To be frank, I am not even sure yet. It could be that I'm just late. I will take a test on Saturday though and clear that part up. Then if I'm not, it will turn out that I've been worrying over nothing. If I am, then my EDD will be at the end of April, almost six months after the wedding.

I am not against being pregnant before the wedding because, really in a relationship, its all about whatever works for you. And I have realised that after the wedding day, your issues will be money, in-laws, in-laws and in-laws and not about how you agreed to have sex before marriage.

But please young girls reading this, keep your cherry for as long as you can. Sex does not equal love and learn to use it as a reward for being treated nicely. And please note that he has to do ten nice things before you do two (if you know what I mean) There. I've done my piece for the youth.

I don't need any unnecessary attention so, I wont tell hubby-to-be even, until maybe a month after the wedding. Then the career thing. I really don't know how I want to juggle that. No one will give me a job and let me go on leave after six months. Baby has to be at least six months to go to a creche and thats about November 2008, the end of the year when most businesses will be rounding up for the year. that leaves me here until 2009. thats a long time.

Actually, I don't feel pregnant. I have been sleeping a lot but that could be as a result of stress. I am not putting on weight, though I usually do just before my monthly (strange huh?) I really don't know. Its all his fault. All through this month he has been staring at people's babies and playing with them. I am superstitious about a lot of things. I dont trust myself to take the test on my own and i don't want go to my clinic, not yet anyway until I'm sure so I'll just go to a lab. On the bright side, I may begin to throw up any moment from now. And I would lose a lot of weight. Will try to stay calm.

Before I get me

Today is one of those days, Pink couldn't have said it better, I really do want to be somebody else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. It's just one of those days.

Let me introduce myself, I'm in my late twenties, engaged, in between jobs, and generally trying to put it all together. I actually intended to start this after my wedding so it could be a chronicle of my married life, but I changed my mind, I need this now. I have always kept a journal, but growing up in a house of five - six kids, sharing a room with three of them and not to mention the cousins, aunts, and their friends who were always around, I never had any privacy.

In fact, it's still so irritating to me that someone will read your journal and not have the decency to pretend they didn't see anything personal. Years later, I do think journaling is therapeutic and I'd love to share my thoughts and I honestly believe that I express myself better in writing. I've also missed having a pen pal (I had one for about five years).

I love to read, mostly fiction, memoirs (you can actually feel the writer), and used to read but have sworn myself off self help and How to books (e.g. How to be a better entrepreneur and blah blah blah), except for Laura Schlessinger's "Cook for your Husband". That wonderful book opened my eyes to relationships and honestly, I probably would not be getting married to my SW if I hadn't read it. Let me explain, me and my boyfriend always have had communication issues, because he doesn't talk to me. Not that he doesn't talk at all but you know, intimate talking. I would tell him about the most mundane happenings in my life or someone else's and he'd be grunting along, or just giving me responses that make it obvious that he's just not listening and, worst of all he didn't want to talk about feelings, his or mine.

I tried to get over it by initiating conversations, ignoring him and breaking up with him. Nothing ever worked.

Meanwhile, I'd also been feeling like a piece of meat because he was so much more concerned about our sex life than our emotional intimacy. Then I read that book where Dr. Laura said that communication to women is like sex to men and then, I understood. That was my light bulb moment. I learnt to tolerate the fact that he did not want to confide his worries to me and when I notice him getting moody, I try not to pry him for information and cook for him or just baby him instead. He still doesn't talk much and I still nag and ignore him about it sometimes and I still envy those blessed women who have companions that are not averse to share their feelings, but now, I don't take it personal because I know that it's not me and I know that he adores me in many other ways.

Back to me, am not a movie freak but I love TV. My favorite colours are blue and blends of blue, and I think I'd make a good interior decorator.

I feel so much lighter already. Ttyl.