One morning

One morning, I woke up and realised that there was something different about my body. I was incredibly fatigued, I was getting cramps and I just generally did not feel so good. A week later, it occurred to me that I could be pregnant and I freaked. A week later, I got over it and began to warm up to the young being that was growing inside of me. I began to talk to her and even named her (don't ask me how I knew it was a she, yu just do).

I joined all the baby sites I came across, babygaga.com, pregnancy.com, etc. And joined all the other May 2008 Mommies on all the boards I saw. Believe me, its cool being pregnant. You glow naturally and just have this inner happiness that I can't explain.

I lost the pregnancy a day before it became an official viable fetus (according to webMD) and I am coming to terms with it. It just happened though, I've thought of a thousand things I could have done differently, I know deep down inside that it was never meant to be. So, this is the final stage of my grieving process. I'm letting go. Unfortunately, no one told me how hard it was (I do know a few people who have experienced it). Its so so hard. Its over a week now, the pregnancy was only nine weeks and I'm still hurting. DH is okay, being as supportive as he knows how to be (silence, silence and silence as usual) we haven't even mentioned it but for onnce, I am grateful for the silence. I don't think I could cope if I had to recount the incident over and over again to people, so its a good thing that only the two of us knew about it.

Confrontations

I am not very good with confrontations. If I must confront someone on something they have done that I do not like, I find that it's better to stay quiet. I'm one of those women who say nasty things when I'm angry. The worst part of it (I think) is that what I usually say is so close to home that the other person always feels the blow. Fortunately, I rarely confront people unless I am really pushed to the wall (thanks to Mom and Dad. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones racing through my body, or the preparations that are driving me crazy whatever it is, I think I have got to stay away from people.

We all have that colleague/classmate/sibling or whoever who loves to hog the limelight. They love recognition and feeling important and always feel as if things only run with them around. I was blessed with two of such siblings and basically, I have learnt that as long as they are not bugging me directly and/or slowing me down, they need to be ignored to avoid quarrels. Anyway, I have a colleague thats like that and it had been becoming extremely difficult to ignore her.

First of all, she takes honest jokes seriously. Then, in her eyes, she is the only
person at work that actually works at work and of course, she says repeatedly about how all of the rest of us people are always swamping her with our own work (needless to say that she does this with things that are her responsibility). My patience with her has been growing rather thin and yesterday, we had a less than pleasant exchange of words. Nothing nasty or loud. Okay I confess, it was nasty but ran more like a discussion than an argument. I subtly put her in her place and made my position clear .

So, why do I feel I over reacted? I have played it time and time again in my head and have come up with different ways I could have handled the situation. Well, we're both respecting each other today so, thats a good sign.

I think I'm pregnant

Yep, I and I ain't telling a soul until after the wedding. I have actually spent a lot of time worrying and weighing my options, planning my life etc.

Let me confess, I've been freaking out over the whole issue until this morning. I mean, I don't have a good job, the wedding is still about two months away, I may not be able to start a career until early 2009, I am not ready to be pregnant talk-less of being a mother, and on and on and on.

To be frank, I am not even sure yet. It could be that I'm just late. I will take a test on Saturday though and clear that part up. Then if I'm not, it will turn out that I've been worrying over nothing. If I am, then my EDD will be at the end of April, almost six months after the wedding.

I am not against being pregnant before the wedding because, really in a relationship, its all about whatever works for you. And I have realised that after the wedding day, your issues will be money, in-laws, in-laws and in-laws and not about how you agreed to have sex before marriage.

But please young girls reading this, keep your cherry for as long as you can. Sex does not equal love and learn to use it as a reward for being treated nicely. And please note that he has to do ten nice things before you do two (if you know what I mean) There. I've done my piece for the youth.

I don't need any unnecessary attention so, I wont tell hubby-to-be even, until maybe a month after the wedding. Then the career thing. I really don't know how I want to juggle that. No one will give me a job and let me go on leave after six months. Baby has to be at least six months to go to a creche and thats about November 2008, the end of the year when most businesses will be rounding up for the year. that leaves me here until 2009. thats a long time.

Actually, I don't feel pregnant. I have been sleeping a lot but that could be as a result of stress. I am not putting on weight, though I usually do just before my monthly (strange huh?) I really don't know. Its all his fault. All through this month he has been staring at people's babies and playing with them. I am superstitious about a lot of things. I dont trust myself to take the test on my own and i don't want go to my clinic, not yet anyway until I'm sure so I'll just go to a lab. On the bright side, I may begin to throw up any moment from now. And I would lose a lot of weight. Will try to stay calm.

Before I get me

Today is one of those days, Pink couldn't have said it better, I really do want to be somebody else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. It's just one of those days.

Let me introduce myself, I'm in my late twenties, engaged, in between jobs, and generally trying to put it all together. I actually intended to start this after my wedding so it could be a chronicle of my married life, but I changed my mind, I need this now. I have always kept a journal, but growing up in a house of five - six kids, sharing a room with three of them and not to mention the cousins, aunts, and their friends who were always around, I never had any privacy.

In fact, it's still so irritating to me that someone will read your journal and not have the decency to pretend they didn't see anything personal. Years later, I do think journaling is therapeutic and I'd love to share my thoughts and I honestly believe that I express myself better in writing. I've also missed having a pen pal (I had one for about five years).

I love to read, mostly fiction, memoirs (you can actually feel the writer), and used to read but have sworn myself off self help and How to books (e.g. How to be a better entrepreneur and blah blah blah), except for Laura Schlessinger's "Cook for your Husband". That wonderful book opened my eyes to relationships and honestly, I probably would not be getting married to my SW if I hadn't read it. Let me explain, me and my boyfriend always have had communication issues, because he doesn't talk to me. Not that he doesn't talk at all but you know, intimate talking. I would tell him about the most mundane happenings in my life or someone else's and he'd be grunting along, or just giving me responses that make it obvious that he's just not listening and, worst of all he didn't want to talk about feelings, his or mine.

I tried to get over it by initiating conversations, ignoring him and breaking up with him. Nothing ever worked.

Meanwhile, I'd also been feeling like a piece of meat because he was so much more concerned about our sex life than our emotional intimacy. Then I read that book where Dr. Laura said that communication to women is like sex to men and then, I understood. That was my light bulb moment. I learnt to tolerate the fact that he did not want to confide his worries to me and when I notice him getting moody, I try not to pry him for information and cook for him or just baby him instead. He still doesn't talk much and I still nag and ignore him about it sometimes and I still envy those blessed women who have companions that are not averse to share their feelings, but now, I don't take it personal because I know that it's not me and I know that he adores me in many other ways.

Back to me, am not a movie freak but I love TV. My favorite colours are blue and blends of blue, and I think I'd make a good interior decorator.

I feel so much lighter already. Ttyl.