Monitoring Spirits

     I am back on blogger because I need a creative outlet. I have done Facebook but had to censor every post because I only added family and friends. I just do not like people being all up in my business. I am also sensitive to other people's struggles so the "glam, happy life" posts made me feel as though I was bragging in the midst of other people's struggles. I quickly discovered that I couldn't share anything of relevance and resorted to philosophical quotes. Even those, I have replaced with memes. I am about to stop that too because people close to me began to send me messages of encouragement. It was awkward telling some that a bad moment did not mar my whole day and twenty melancholy posts did not mean that I was depressed. 

    That said, I am more concerned when people stop posting. Especially people whom I know personally. I know it means they are either busy (new job, life change or school). I am also wise enough to know that it means they are going through a struggle of some sort and do not want to be in the public eye. Also I know a lot of evil people who only post scripture. All this is to illustrate how inaccurate Facebook and Instagram are at determining other people's mental status. 

    I became meme queen on whatsapp statuses and I have discovered my new followers are not even my own siblings but my in laws. Always acting as though there was more meaning to the quote or meme that I post. In fact their ability to read meanings led me to block them which made hubby raise his brows and think that it was the beginning of my distancing myself from his family. As the peacemaker that I am I have screened my status updates to the point that they are meaningless, nothing provocative and so here I am again. I need an outlet for temporary feelings which will only dwell if I don't let them out. 

2018 in Reveiw

2018 has been a good year, it has come with its own ambitions, broken dreams and unforeseen challenges. This year, I started at yet again a new job after walking away from my previous one on December 25th. The new one was touted as being a better place to work but two weeks in, I realized that people were full of shit. The pay was the same , but I was now driving 30-40 minutes to work versus 7-10 minutes to my old job. The stress was increased ten fold. It was poorly organized and sometime in June, I figured that I had had enough and started actively looking for another job which I found in August at an acute care hospital (meaning that my work would now be considered "meaningful experience" by my target facility), the pay was $7 an hour higher, and I now had meaningful health insurance. On the other hand, it meant a switch to night shift which I thought I hated, an additional 15 minutes to my commute or $7 each way on the toll way and a whole learning of new habits which I have realized becomes harder as we get older. At the end of the day, #GodWin.

December 12, 2018 would have been my grad day as a BSN nurse. I had to quit the one year program because it seems whenever I try to accomplish anything with regards to education, a demon possesses my husband and we suddenly start bickering over any and everything to the point where I wonder why we are still married. I actually got admitted last year and deferred attendance until January. Last year in November, my hubby invited his Mum to live with us "for a year" to "help out". We three knew he was lying, after my ordeal with her the last time. By Summer, I had dropped to part time and withdrew finally in the Fall. I plan to re-enroll next year, albeit secretly. The moment I resigned from the program, my husbands' behavior mellowed. Marriage is all about forgiveness so I am trying to get over it. It is well.

Speaking about marriage, this year, I found out that my husband was actually planning to file for divorce based on documents I found by accident on his laptop. The folder was created on April 1st. I was surprised and not surprised at the same time, if you know what I mean. I had noticed his change in behavior for a while and one day just decided to wait for the other shoe to drop. I also have very keen intuition like my gut had been telling me that he was trying to tell me something. I even told him to just tell me what he wanted to say so that my spirit could calm down, but he called me paranoid. I also suspect that he has a family in Dallas, the lady was posting information about her upcoming engagement (same one from a previous post) and she was generally happy while my husband threatened to move out over my refusing to let him change the TV, refusing to give him money to buy stock, or refusing to cancel the kids swimming lessons as the case may be. All sorts of stupid things. I finally told him to please leave and to stop making excuses and he calmed down a bit. I also told him that his baby mama had announced their engagement. He tried a little too hard to convince me that I was paranoid but she did stop posting immediately. And I thought we were over the hill. I found out that he was preparing a folder sometime in July and I have been through all the stages of grief and arrived at the conclusion that I am emotionally over him and his dumb, selfish, insecure ass. At this point, I am really just waiting for him to leave. Now, I cannot help myself, I have asked him a million times to go and file the papers and he is doing everything to keep the peace. He seems scared to do so. It is well.

On a high note, 2018 also marked my year of rebirth. It happened in a most unusual way. A man I worked with gave me his number to call him if I needed him while he was out to lunch. I gave him mine too for practical reasons. He left the nursing home, and it started with a daily good morning text. Then we started talking daily. I refused to read any meanings into it since he is married and so was I. Around April, hubby went overseas for a job and would barely call, when he did call he would ask to talk to the kids and then rush off the phone. At first I teased that he seemed to be preoccupied with someone else and later I decided to siddon look and let the man be. During that time, the other guy and I became very close and at some point I told him we had to stop talking because, I am married and would not do anything to jeopardize my marriage. He told me the same and we agreed to stop talking. The truth was that the little attention I was getting re awakened my femininity and I started taking better care of my appearance and would blush like a school girl whenever he complimented me which is almost daily. He was a breath of fresh air compared to my complaining, manipulative husband. He gave unbiased advice when I stood at cross roads with my career and home life. And hearing from him still lifts my mood all day. Even though now, we barely speak the short period that we did just made me see the glaring difference between my real self and the woman I was morphing into thanks to every day pressures. It is well.

To be continued...

Happy Ten Years to Us

Hubby and I will have been together for ten years next month! How time flies. In typical honest fashion, I cannot say its been the most wonderful ten years of my life but I can honestly say that I am truly grateful. It hasn't been horrible either, at least not all of it. I met hubby for the first time in Uni, I was 18, sat next to him in FSLT 1 at faculty of Science in the Greeeat Ahmadu Bello University (yeah, once an ABUsite, always an ABUsite). Anyhu, as a normal chick , since we did not talk and there was nothing striking about him, I totally forgot all about him until he decided to follow me to the hostel some months later. In fact, I thought he was creepy and wondered why he was always staring at me and even forgot that we had ever met. I agreed to go out with him but lost interest because he was quite shy and honestly, I had more serious toasters that were more engaging, taking me out and buying suya for me and my room mates. By 200 levels I was ready to move on so when we resumed for the session, I blew him off and thought I was done with him. His then closest friend came to beg me afterwards and I went out with him again really because I felt sorry for him. I sat there and for the first time, I listened to him. I do not hear a word that he said but I realized that his baritone was so soothing and I loved the rumble in his chest when he spoke. I remember that I kept him talking just so I could enjoy the feel of his voice. But that was when I really started getting to know him and of course when I finally fell for him. I no go lie, we lasted for the sex. We just have a chemistry that sparked something in me. I still tell him so.

I think we both had decided we would enjoy each other while it lasted and just ended up together. At some point, he did tell me that he could not marry me because I wanted to be married after Uni and he used to joke that his wife was somewhere doing some guy and I would tell him my man was a virgin and I was looking forward to teach him "stuff". He never found that amusing. He wanted a much younger wife, he told me, a Christian woman who would teach his children about Christ. (Needless to say our first son just got exposed to Christ and I caught him googling about Jesus that used to kill hypocrites). I thought he was a little too "local" (I still do) and I decided he was Mr. Wrong when he told me how he would open shop for me. I also wanted a Muslim man but was afraid that the man would detest me if I asked for anything but missionary in bed. I wanted to be faithful and people under estimate sexual compatibility. I needed a freak like me and I guess I found one. It wasn't love at first sight, I had always thought that I would end up with an outgoing guy, a muslim, a more ajebutta kind of guy. My man is none of the above. He is intelligent, a leader, and most of all, at this point, I find his presence and persona comforting. I on the other hand was a cynical teenager, I had accepted from about the age of twelve, I was not the type of girl that romances happened to. I was plain, tom boyish, and anti social. I was not interested in being a whore nor was I saving myself for marriage. I just did what felt right. TBH I was a more mature teenager than I am an adult. Now, I am so conformist I shock myself and my family. I guess marriage does that to you.

In case you are wondering, this is preamble to the good, the bad, and the ugly Part II. I just want to set the background. My cousin thought that I shouldn't marry him because our religious differences would be an issue. My Mom did not like his Moms' low key way of making it clear that I was not their first choice. My Dad would like anybody I liked. My sister and confidant felt that I was too hot tempered and him too traditional for it to work. Our wedding took place a year and a half after the introduction and I surprised both of us and those who knew me when we did not call it off before the D - day, though there were many times that I almost did. I don't mean threatening cos I am not a good bluffer. I move swiftly before the other person has a chance to wrap their mind around what I was doing. I have changed so much that I barely recognize myself sometimes. I thought that it was my imagination but his people did not want it to work. His mom and sisters totally ignored me, and his brother was something else. I waited for hubby to call them to order but he didn't. I actually decided that they could all go to hell and when I stopped trying, I either did not notice them as much, or they realized that they were barking up the wrong tree and I won't say that they changed, but we have some respectable distance between us. So here goes the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, ten years on.

Who asked you?

I just finished reading "Who asked you?" by Terri McMillian. After reading "A day late and a Dollar short, she became one of my favorite authors. I probably read her books once a year now because the problem with reading the same person back to back for me is that the stories tend to sound the same and I start to get bored.

In Who asked you? the protagonist found out that one of her former boyfriends had passed away and decided to go find all of her past loves to make sure that they were doing okay. She describes her relationship with each guy and why they ended it. She had a lot to talk about since she had been married three times and had twice as many significant relationships. I thought I'd do the same and put it up as a blog post... and thanks to facebook, I found most of them. I have two on BBM (though we do not talk) and one on whatsapp. The exercise was enlightening as I had to include even the people I had never dated. I realized that I have so far led a very boring and unadventurous life. I honestly have had sex with only 3 men in my life. What a shame. Seriously. I can boast of cuddling probably six without it going any further. I wondered why I was always that "friend" that they would shamelessly beg to hook up with her other friend. I swear, I never saw it. Besides, in my neighborhood, we had many tragic AIDs deaths of the popular neighborhood people. It sufficiently scared me into adulthood.

I won't bother sharing all of my past loves because I bored even myself thinking about them. I looked them up though and had one idiot think that I was toasting him when I buzzed him on facebook. He was my first real, formal proposal. We met randomly and I decided early on that he was not my type. Frankly, I wanted an adventurous lover and he was very Ustaz (Islamic scholar type) and I did not want anyone making me feel guilty when I decided to release all of my pent up sexuality. He asked me who I was, later on, "how can i help you?", "I am a married man", I have blocked and deleted him on facebook now. I didn't want him then, I don't know why he thinks I want him now.

 Another serious contender, I'd heard through the grapevine (we were family friends) that his wife abandoned him but he is there forming happy family man and trying to tell me what I was missing. I felt sorry for him sha. When we met back in 2004, he thought that since I had graduated and served and there was no husband around it meant that I was desperate. He started acting like an asshole and telling me how I should be behaving like "wife material". Once we had been talking and laughing and he decided to "spark" and walk out on me. I educated him on how disrespectful that was (he was probably trying to see what I would do when provoked?) the second time he tried to spark over something insignificant, I walked him out and told him never to come back. He thought I was kidding and when he realized that I was done, he started spending time with my family so that they would help him "beg" me. All that drama and we were not even dating (as in he had not stated his intentions). I probably am boring because I do not do drama.

I was still done and he eventually moved on. He married some sickler girl and we started talking again after my parents invited his parents to my wedding and he called to congratulate me. I heard through the grapevine (my sister) that he had been kicked out by the girls' family. I guess he was thinking that I didn't know. I am not gloating because it's rather sad.

On that note, what is wrong with our generation? Ten years ago everybody was wedding and now it seems one in every five couples is calling it quits. It is well.

Raising Einstein

I always thought I would have very intelligent kids. Not just making good grades at school, but you know those kids who read without being told, do their homework (by themselves, no incentives) and that kind of stuff :).

Some people think its an environmental thing but I disagree. I was not raised in such a household but I was such a kid. My husband is pretty much the same. His parents did not even bother enrolling their kids in school to avoid paying school fees until one day, he sneaked out with his friend and went to school with him. The baby sitter was out of her mind with worry knowing that people would accuse her of kidnapping the child and after looking everywhere and crying up and down the street, she saw him arrive with his friend (lucky her that back then schools closed at 1pm). In case you are wondering why the teacher did not ask, honestly, Naija was a different place back then. Even in the eighties, we used to occasionally bring our two year old sister to school in uniform even though she was not enrolled. Teachers never minded. Anyhow, the traumatized woman made it clear that she could not look after him and then his parents were forced to put him in school.

My kids are so lazy that it scares me. Yeah they both read early effortlessly sef because I was more focused on one's speech and the other's multiple issues, I did not have the time to teach them. They are intelligent and fast learners, but lazy. For example, older kid can read "above his grade level" (I would never say it out loud but, we held him back a year and since public schools only "practice" with kids what they already know, that means nothing. The boy will be starting 2nd grade in September when he really should be going in to third grade. So therefore, above grade level for him at the end of 1st grade should be 3rd grade na. But no, his teacher proudly tells me he is at 2nd grade level in reading and expects me to start doing cartwheels. His Math took lots of blood and he barely got any of the concepts. He can do the work but he cannot explain anything. Younger child also reads a grade above his next years' class of 1st grade and same thing applies. Besides, I listen to both of them read daily and am appalled at the low expectations these people have for my children. Is it because we are immigrants?!?!

Hubby and I also have different philosophies when it comes to raising children. I believe in nurturing your kids and making good decisions for them regarding their home life and education. This helps ingrain in them purpose and discipline. I always wanted a job that would see me home at five, so I can make dinner (hubby does not like to eat out), do home work with the kids, talk to them, fix bad habits before they get worse, etc. My husband tends to think that they will just wake up one day, with good habits, studious and driven to succeed. His "vision" is for us both to work our buts off and amass millions for us and trust funds for the kids and their future education. While its doable his way, he refuses to pay for a tutor for our intelligent but lazy and unmotivated kids. I advocate for a tutor (aka lesson teacher) because, we were both always at work and even when he is off, his interaction with the kids is limited to them fetching and carrying.

I am naturally hands on and can do it myself but if I have to make the kind of money he wants "us" to make I cannot work as many hours, clean house (did I mention that he does not want a maid, and refuses to do anything, and now thinks the kids are old enough to do it all), teach kids, play with them, practice speech with one and socialize them both without breaking down. Coupled with him giving speeches  about how he will disown any child that "does not want to go to school" (so he can have an escuse to keep the money that we both worked hard for, *loud hiss*). Those have stopped due to my raining insults on him, and willing that fate on his outside children and none of my own, (which I regretted but I was pushed; happened many years ago and I have since repented and he has since stopped the dumb bragging).

In my opinion, you have to choose. Will worry about raising their college tuition money later, I cut my hours to work on them now. That is just one of many differences we have in child rearing. Now I am at the point where I think I may not be the best teacher for them, they are so far behind, and spend more time at school, we need to start looking at schools that will actually work with them. Hubby thinks am being frivolous after all, education is free in America, why pay for something when you have it free? I have complained about their lack of knowledge, the inappropriate homework and have gone off on a teacher that tried to imply that we were not doing enough at home and hence the deficits that she did not see. I will chronicle my "school fights" one of these days.

It is so exhausting to be a parent. Needless to say, when I started getting a bad rep at the kids school over things that we agreed needed to be addressed, my hubby turns around to tell me how "I dey go show my true colors outside". Even more so when a child has two parents physically but one parent seems to think they will raise themselves. Don't get me wrong, he is on board with anything I suggest as long as he does not have to physically do anything to enforce or carry it out and its free.


*Sigh*

On a side note,  my use of so therefore is something I learnt from Mrs Udokpo my beloved primary four teacher who inspired in me a love of maths and love for teaching (she would say "SO" and draw the three dots for therefore while she was explaining, lol). She was also short and smallish and to make up for her height was wicked and punished us for anything and everything. I wish I could say she took a special liking to me but she thought I was dull and the only reason why I did well with her is she kind of carried the class along, explained in different ways, gave lots of homework and classwork, and I just typically did as I was told. Before I was her pupil, Math and Greek were one and the same. But even years later, I would never have been the mathematician I became if it were not for her. I wonder where she is now.

Missing my "friend"

I used to have a friend who I liked. She was my kind of person but extra controlling and extra bossy. she has a lot of Yoruba wisdom though and was my go to person for etiquette.

You see, I was raised Yoruba up North by parents who had spent a lot of time abroad. Me sef I know am dilute when it comes to etiquette. So, I am not aware of a lot of things like keeping ankara iro and buba for a guest, etc.

I had to cut ties with her because I found myself always offending her one way or another and constantly having to apologize. The final straw was one day, i was begging her for crap I don't recall but I do recall being very much irritated. I can't stand drama queens. barely a week later, we had another fallout and this time, I did not call her to talk about it and apologize like I used to. After some time, she called me. I let her speak. And when she started demanding an apology since i did not offer it, i had to hold back my laughter as I explained why I was the one who needed the apology. She was livid! We since made up but we aren't close anymore. Now, we play phone/social media tag where she ignores my calls and messages if I dont respond to hers within minutes.

I really need her Yoruba wisdom with another situation though.

*sigh*

Secret Families

I am a member of a Muslim wives group that I somehow thought would teach me more about my religion and of course, how to be a better wife. I am indeed an excellent wife right now, just that you always want to stay on top of your game. Unfortunately, all everybody wants to talk about is how to prevent their husband from taking another wife. While polygamy is permissible in Islam, I don't know why any man in this day and age would dabble into it. Apparently even in the UK and USA, it is a growing phenomenon #sigh#. My opinion is to be the best wife you can be and respect yourself so that even if he gets another wife, you will have options. God forbid but my hubby finds it difficult to be fair so frankly I wont go as far as polygamy with him.

From this group, I have learnt that there are many "secret marriages" as well. As in the dude will take on another wife (or mistress) and the wife will be none the wiser. This is really nothing new because as a former avid reader of Classique, PrimePeople, Vintage People, Hints, Hearts, SweetHearts and all the soft sell magazines of the late eighties and early nineties, it's been happening forever. I remember all of those women who thought that they had perfect homes and the most wonderful husband and then the man dies and she meets his "other family". Or she get an invitation to something that she knows nothing about and calls to let them know that they have the wrong person and finds out that her husband has another address. There was also the classic other woman coming to confront our dream wife who thought that she had everything.

My Dad was always home when he was not at work. In fact when his friends called him out to drink, he would go home, pick up my mom and go meet them there. He was always home for dinner and we all answered his calls (with the advent of GSM), he was that open. He also has a brother who was trying to get him and the rest of the family to escourt him to the home of his prospective second wife. My Dad was very clear about my Uncle not taking a second wife to avoid putting the kids through what they went through as kids. Now in spite of all of the above, if one woman appears with four kids saying she be my Papa secret wife, I would not be shocked. I am saying all this to tell you how much I do not trust anyone that has a "third leg".

And so it came to pass that I was helping hubby reset his email on his phone since I am the "techie" one of us two and while I was trying to decide if I should wipe the device to fix the issue, I see this lady's name on his phone. I don't know why she caught my eye. I jokingly asked who she was and he stuttered. I decided not to wipe his phone and dropped it, planning to ask him about her when we went to bed. I was later trying to look for a picture of me and my mom only to stumble upon an online album of an out of town wedding my hubby went for some years back. The pictures were shared between me and this lady I found on his phone.

Anyway I immediately facebooked, googled and linkdined the chick. Single mother, lives 3 hours away and oh my God, I am seriously wondering if my husband has a secret family.

Random

I was just blog hopping and feeling frustrated at how many bloggers refuse to update. *Sigh* I remebmer a time not so long ago when it took me three hours to finish reading my favorite blogs.

Everyone I know just had a baby this past year or is preggers. My biological clock is telling me now or never but my head is telling me no. Oga was telling me to get my tubes tied and I have helped him schedule his vasectomy. Lets see if he goes through with it. If he does get the vasectomy then so be it. Otherwise I will let fate decide and do something permanent in September.

Weight is just increasing like crazy.

I caved in and relaxed my hair. My hair has grown but the lower back portion is still longer than the rest (part of the reason why I cut it off to begin with). I have reaized that natural hair does not grow faster, its just harder to neglect. After months of looking up ways to straighten natural hair. Gaskiya some of the methods were as bizarre as threading every night (I no fit) to daily flat ironing. My final straw was this colleague of mine that does wash and go with my type of hair. I just know I cannot leave the house with my hair looking like hers. Its bad enough to be over weight. To not take care of oneself on top would be a travesty.

I hat my job even more now. Seriously looking for another.

Weightloss, hair, husband and career journey

I want to start making monthly goals and this months goal is to make a million off my blog! Linda Ikejis' house thing was so on everybody's' mouths that it reminded me of a girl I knew from secondary school. We went to the same uni and she made hair. sometime in hundred levels, she "became boxed up", she did less hair and I knew her parents did not win the lottery. She told everyone who knew her from home that she saved up all that hair money and used it for the rest of school. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. The moral of the story is thou shall not compare yourself to others. You do not know their hustle and if God meant it to be yours, He would reveal it to you as well.

I am very fat, so fat that I hate going out for occasions. I recently quit my diet because it was not working, only to gain ten pounds in less than a week. I don tire. will go back to walking four miles daily, 15g of carbs per meal, one meal a day and weight-loss video daily, lol, as if I could find the time to do all that.

I chopped off my hair December 18th cause I was joining the natural movement. It has taught me three things: to stay away from youtube, I do not have coils or curls sef, I just have zig zags and look like a deeper lifer and with all this fat, no one needs to tell me that it does not suit me. Third thing I noticed during my hair journey is that my hair still breaks, is very dry and very expensive to maintain even without a relaxer. I am shocked. I will relax it again when it can pack (maybe another six months). But for now, the struggle is real.

That husband of mine. I will stop there.

Career wise, may God bless my hustle cos I prayed to God to give me a better job and He did, just that the better job is so stressful. Been dreading work for the past few weeks. 

Some mothers do have 'em

My MIL came over for a visit. It was a simple and civil one compared to her last visit where she was all over the place. Her first visit she came "to help". As the kids are more or less grown, I was expecting bath and bed time supervision; light housekeeping (e.g. change the foil on the cooker once in a while, throw away old food from the fridge, feed the kids when I am at work or school, etc). She was going to be around for six months and so, I rolled out the red carpet for the first couple of weeks and took her with me everywhere.

The first sign of "trouble" was when I began to cook alone while mama will shout well done intermittently from the living room as she watched TV. Honestly, it was a red flag because she used to come help out in the kitchen but after a week she refused to do anything at all. She also announced to me that she cannot wash her clothes with a machine(?) and I responded by buying her a bar of laundry soap and letting her know where it was so she could wash when she wanted to. Needless to say, she put her clothes in the machine after all. Then, she had a "hypertensive crisis"; she stopped taking her blood pressure medicine, and when she went to the Doctors' office she told him she had taken her medicine and her bp was a whopping 178/96; of course they brought out the big guns and placed her on beta blockers et al. She looked a mess by the time she was leaving. Of course on getting home, she reported to her son that she took her medicine at different times because I didn't always have breakfast ready. . .

I pointed out that she is in her house and since I work nights, AND go to school during the day, I was sometimes half awake when I walked in. I told her to feel free to help herself to some bread and tea or cereal so she could get her medicine early. She also said her bp spiked because of all that salt that I cooked with. Long story short after three arguments with hubby acting like I was trying to kill his mother, I started cooking two pots of stew, and later we just went salt free. She really isn't a horrible person, she is just scheming, petty slow poison, passive aggressive. She will nag you to death while feigning innocence. After her hypertensive episode, she kicked up her feet and did nothing while she waited for her departure date. I continued to cook and clean and watch after the kids more or less take care of her while she pretended to be an invalid. Many other things happened before she left but I wont go into them, after I understood her motive, I decided I would not engage her. If you must catch a monkey you gotta think like a monkey, so we both went about our fake sweetness for as long as it took.

A week before she left, my husband offered to take the kids to speech therapy so I could sleep in. He asked his mom to bathe and dress the kids. She assumed I would get up before he got back so, she sat at the computer watching one of her "Redeemed camp" or " Mountain of fire camp" programs. I was jolted awake to hear her son come back two hours later and the kids were still playing in their pajamas. He repeated his request and left (not so nicely either). She then went on her own tirade about how the kids four and five should be bathing themselves and how she had never seen such big kids who could do nothing for themselves. I heard the computer change to a kids program, then a loud smack as it was changed back to whatever camp it was that she was watching. I sighed and got up to get the kids ready, looking her square in the eye so that she knew that I heard all of the crap she had just spewed. By this time she did not care so all I could do was the Yoruba laugh.

By the time we took her to the airport I was glad. Why come for such a long period if you didn't want to? Na by force? As luck would have it, her other son was going to have his kids born here as well; I am sure she didn't think she was coming back so soon. Thankfully, they had their kids in Dallas so, I didn't have to see her for longer than ten days. Of course, the other son so unlike my husband, made his expectations clear, she was here to help his wife and he did not leave any chance for his mom to antagonize her. I have nothing against her but hey, I am not stupid. She wants to be my mother - in - law, and will hence forth be treated as such. Two can play this game, as a matter of fact, I invented it.

Mama Bear

A friend of mine asked me how I responded to people telling me one of my children looked better than the other. In my head I thot "Na that one dey worry you?". But out loud I said I tell them they are both fine. I mean, a few people have said that to me. First it was the younger son I was told was not fine but now its the younger one that is too fine. I personally cannot keep up. I don't care. Beauty lies in the heart of the beholder and they are both (all) beautiful to me.

My younger son is a late talker. He is five and has the conversational skill s of a two and a half year old. I would be more worried if he showed other issues, but he reads well, can answer comprehension questions and can make his needs known. He just lacks spontaneous speech and cannot narrate. He has speech therapy three times a week at school and once a week with a different therapist on weekends. I also harass him with conversations just to get him talking. That said, I adore my smiling boy who may not be able to tell me a story, but is so good at everything else that I choose to appreciate who he is. I do all the story telling and he does the add ons. What irritates me is when "friends" and acquaintances ask me why he isn't taking. "He will talk when he has something to say" I usually respond though I would like to ask why their own kids lacked manners, couldn't spell or why they are obese at such an early age.

I guess my message is be sensitive of the things you say to others. Nothing wrong with giving pointers, I joined a really helpful support group when someone told me they helped her son with the same problem. I have  had people suggest things versus those who just feel like running their mouths. Whether its beauty, weight, intelligence, or speech. The journey of being a mother is so much more than what our kids can and cannot do in the beginning. We can only do our best and hope that the rest of the world minds their own f**g business when they have nothing positive to contribute.

Gender Equality, Marriage and all

Many married women work because it is hard to listen to a man whine/brag all day about what he is doing.  It is even harder when you cannot put food on the table or clothes on your kids backs n pay school fees. Not many women have the heart to bear the sight of a struggling man and so to help out you get a job. Then out of nowhere this beast emerges. The same Man U wiped tears off of n are even hiding the fact that junior has out grown his shoes again starts to nag and pick fights with you. Why? Because he thinks you are competing with him. But you cannot quit because your kids will suffer if you do.

The whole we are equal jargon flies out the window when they hand you that helpless baby you carried for nine months. Then you realize that your mums silence was not out of weakness and her tears were not because she married the brute that you call Dad. She stayed to give you that priceless illusion that all is well.

Most working married women have less possessions than the ones who do not have to work or are single or have no kids. If only men could fix their ego n let it go. Thank her for her support n stop acting like it's a competition. Most fathers will justify not providing with my Dad did even less n I came out all right. But a woman will remember the extra five naira mummy gave me to buy biscuit or how mummy got me those sandals even though her wrapper was tattered. I will keep my job regardless of what it does to my husbands ego. Lemme wear my worn heels n give my babies a few extra clothes and some extra fish. His mama did that for him and I will do it for mine.

The man, his son and his donkey. . .

In case you did not go to primary school or are of the younger generation who did not use those thick "readers", I will give you an abridged version of the tale.

A man his son and his donkey were travelling to a neighboring village on foot with, leading their donkey. People who they passed said they were dumb for not riding the donkey. The man lets his son ride and people began to comment on how disrespectful and manner-less the son was to be riding and letting his old father walk and so they trade places. Of course, the next set of people began to rain curses on the man since he would ride and let his tired young son walk. To prevent this, they both decide to ride the donkey together only for one market woman to exclaim, "You want to kill that donkey? How can that donkey support both of your weights?". Tired of all the criticism, the man and his son decide to kuku carry the donkey only to get more criticism. I do not remember how the story ends.

The moral of the story is that people will always talk no matter what you do. The other moral is what they say may make sense but you really should not listen.

Diary Reading.

I usually do not watch Tyra, but one of her shows caught my attention not too long ago. She was talking to a couple that was having issues because the hubby read his wifes' diary. As anyone who has ever kept a diary knows, that is a big no no. Even though we all know a diary is a big temptation, do you really want to know what another person thinks or did? and how will that add to your own life as a person?

As I was saying, hubby discovered that his wife had feelings for other women. And had "cheated" on him with other women even though she was not having sex with them. This knowledge of course, made the hubby feel insecure as we know that most men do not want their women interested in anyone else, not even another woman. (And the few that do not mind the other woman will only permit her presence if and only if he can be present too).

Anyhu hubby was so insecure that when they invited friends over for dinner and wife goes into the kitchen with his friends wife, he bursts into the kitchen after them asking what they are getting up to. Wife is thoroughly embarrassed and friends now know her secret too.

While I do not care much for the couple's issue, I just cannot get over anyone reading a diary and choosing to confront them with what they found. I am no saint, I have read a couple of other peoples' diaries but I can honestly say they do not know about it. I used to borrow romance novels from a family friend as a teenager and found the code to her diary. I knew what it was because I had been there and done that. I coded my diary with symbols and kept the symbols as a key. After about the third entry, I knew the code by heart and got careless with the key. It got into an aunts' hands somehow and trust na, she went through the diary and had the audacity to ask me questions about the symbols she did not understand. When I got this girls code, I left it as I saw it. While chilling at her house one day, I found the diary and she was feeling so cool with herself, I had to tell her I found her code in the said novel she had borrowed me. She had borrowed it to other people and it turned out her best friend had borrowed the book too. weeks later she told me she had found a copy of her code with said best friend. Lesson learnt? Dont keep a diary. There are just too many nosy people who find it so hard to mind their own frigging business.

I still cannot wrap my mind around telling a person what I read especially if it was about me or someone I knew. Back in the day, people used to leave their house keys with neighbors (I guess it was too expensive to make copies or they were afraid the key copier would make his own copy?). When that key was kept with you, it was very tempting to go into that persons' house to see what they had that you didn't or just satisfy your curiosity. Now going into another persons' house without their permission is bad, but would you tell them about it when they got back?

I personally stopped keeping diaries because I realized that it is just a no win battle. However, my outlet is still writing and as a writer I do respect other peoples' right to their thoughts and feelings in a journal. Nobody is perfect, but people need to learn the wisdom of not telling all that your eyes see, especially when telling will not benefit anyone.

Now, as for the original couple, hubby did have a right to know if his wife was fooling around (even though he wants to believe that she is bisexual and she seemed to not agree or disagree making me think she isn't bi but just a lesbian). If I was in his shoes and read that about my spouse, if he was talking about other women he did not have sex with, its going to be a long discussion; if it was about other men, we're done but can still be friends. If its about other women he slept with, we're done and I don't need the friendship.

The whole point of this lengthy conversation, is please do not read anybodys' diary and if you do, just do not tell them about it.

Am back. . . again

Its been almost a year since my last post. The only thing thats changed is me, the kids are surely bigger but situation wise, its pretty much same old same old. Stopped blogging because when the job did not happen, I had to keep moving. If I thought I was busy, what happened next almost killed me. I was working, reading and in school round the clock and it wasn't until my parents came over on a visit that I realized what I was doing to myself. 2010 was not a year I enjoyed, and I bade farewell to it gladly.

Like lots of people, I drifted off to Facebook. and noticed that I would spend hours on Facebook just stalking people. For me it was mostly a where are they now kind of thing. After failing a test, I decided not to go on FB unless if I was done studying and done with housework. It worked, I eventually deleted my account when people started acting as if you had to comment on every post that they had. Unlike blogging, where its more like a discussion, FB was more like

"I just took a bus"

"this prof is boring"

It was annoyingly trivial, I honestly do not note what I do every minute of the day, now why would i be interested in what another person was doing? Besides, the people I knew that did that updated their profile (or whatever its called ) every hour or so. and then they would turn around and start beefing you for no response? That was the final straw. Would it make more sense for me to respond with "who cares?" or "Get a job/life" (and many times I was tempted to do so). My mama taught me better than that, it was easier to get rid of the account.

I only tweeted with one of my classes where the prof tweeted reminders and assignments. Other than that, I am so old school that I do not get twitter. As part of slowing down and getting back to myself I have picked up my two oldest hobbies: reading and writing. Maybe soon, I will spin out a story that would rival The Thorn Birds or Master of the Game, for right now, lemme reclaim my blog and revamp my writing skills.

Still job hunting, but not as desperately. I work part time now so I can be a better wife and mother (LOL). And most importantly, am growing ;). Hopefully, will make my 50 posts this year, lol, and if I don't its all good!

P.S.

Changed my URL for personal reasons, many apologies. did not announce the change cos it would defeat the purpose.

I doesn't know what to do.

I just tire, as usual. You know we all dream of going to america , struggling for a while and then living the good life but my reality has been far different from what i expected. I knew it was starting from scratch, that part went as planned, problem is 2.5 years later am still at scratch, I just don't know what to do again.


Was supposed to start a nursing career, except my Nigerian husband is all for the idea but just not interested in lending the reliability needed for that. And I have no relatives here who can help even a few hours a week, friends are either in the same boat or just too darn competitive its sickening and well, i put that on hold.


My current job is soo stressful, no time for me or the kids, I work 50h weeks 6 days a week, they keep finding a reason to reduce your pay (attendance- my pay was cut when i had my first baby because i was absent, and when i had to rush any of them to the ER; not selling, quality, etc they come up with something new each day) To top it off spend all day dealing with rude customers, rude collegues, and horrible conditions. Am so grateful i have a job, yet am so fed up with all the daily stress, am so tired I sometimes don't know how i get home or how i got to work.


I guess it was the pregnancy, my stressful job, unhappiness, and a lot of other factors, i decided to become a teacher, its not my dream job, but it would give me more money, more time, and more security. I squeezed out the hours, took the certification and licensing required and here i am today not a single offer. (School resumes August so, schools are staffed by this time, unless i keep praying for someone to get fired, die or something).


And yet when home people call, point of correction you call them or they flash you n you call back all they have to say is did you call lagbaja?


At this point I JUST TIRE and. . . .I doesn't know what to do.

Booty Clapping

Had fun at work today, we get paid friday and girl at work sawher paycheck and all the overtime hours paid off, she got a "huge" check and was so happy she started booty clapping. Its this dance she does moving one leg and bouncing her hips, yes like joke her but cheeks began clapping.

Her carefree attitude jolted me out of my moodiness (am still job hunting) and I let her teach me how to do the booty clap. My ass is bigger and firmer, i did not think my cheeks would flap, but brothers and sisters, its all about getting the bounce, I got the move so well, I showed off to the rest of the team.

My sup caught me doing the dance and his expression was a true Kodak moment. He asked the girl to move her stuff cos, he did not want me corrupted, lol (I think he likes the calmer more predictable me). Boy, have I changed!

The Story So Far. . . . . .

That was my first ultrasound photo. I looked at it and saw the profile of a baby, husband saw it and some how managed to see feet and arms. I must agree that it is a little hard to see what that is. When I was finally going to be told the sex, the Doc and his nurse (husband and wife running a practice with their four grown up sons, used to wonder how they did it without pissing each other off- by my third visit, I realized they were human and yup, they do go for each other's throats every now and then, but for the most part they work really well together) smiled at each other and smile at me and ask "was that what you wanted?" am looking at the screen with its lights and shadows seeing nothing and I ask "what is it?" they had to tell me cos I dont see anything on the screen but I did see him in the photos.

Wasn't really anxious to have a girl, with all the fashion craze girls of today have instilled in them from toddlerhood, plus the hair, etc you just cannot avoid with a girl, I confess I was kind of relieved to be having another boy. Plus the first year of growth is so fast, i had so many boy stuff for my older son, the girl would have just had to wear them like that as mama's still waiting for dream job to land.

I had the delivery all planned, was going to go in early so I could get an epidural cos first time i got to the hospital too late. And you know how you expect your next baby will come sooner? Lies, all lies! My previous baby was two weeks early, and this time, my due date came and went. By the time i was two weeks past my due date, my doc got tired of my nagging and scheduled an induction. I was fixed for Monday evening since that was the earliest date available. Then on Friday evening, I got a call from the hospital saying that one of the women scheduled for Sunday just had her baby so I could take her place. It was not to be. I started haivg contractions a few hours later. They were so irregular that I wasn't sure if labor had actually started.

So, I sat and waited for one of the 3 signs: water breaking, mucus plug or bloody show. Then, I timed the contractions too. when i sat for an hour and felt nothing, i got ready for bed and next thing i felt an almost imperceptible pop and flow of water ( I always expected a burst and gush of water, with my first, they had to break the bag just before i started pushing) we rushed to the hospital and an hour later, i was holding my bundle of joy.

I bled so much afterwards they left me in the delivery room for a few extra hours, I had to get an extra bag of "drip" and got my first ever dose of coedine, after which, bliss, bliss , bliss. . . I understand why people get addicted to the stuff, I was floating in space and have never felt so free. Just drifting in and out it was almost scary. Got back to earth a few hours later and asked for more, lol. They refused cos I was breastfeeding.

I no go lie, going from 1 kid to two was (and still is) hard. Am good with the mommy thing but working 50 hours a week+ 70 hours of classes, plus no family help and a hubby who goes off duty at will (but becos he does so much already, i let him be) I was so scared I was having panic attacks; I would wake up in cold sweat and sometimes just gripped by paralysing fear. did not stop untill I got back to work; was still taking my classes and hubby who would not help much with one kid has thrown himself into nanny mode.

Doing OK except that I don't know where the last two years have gone. . . I keep having this nagging feeling that I have accomplished nothing. Dont get me wrong am gratefull for the hubby and kids, but those don't count as things I did. I really am not sure what to do with myself next and just get so tired trying to decide, gist for another day. . .

And my baby is no longer a baby, oh no. he is a boy now and a naugthy stubborn one at that. It never ceases to amaze me how smart this boy thinks himself to be. He actually thinks I don't see him run when he's somewhere he's not supposed to be doing what he's not supposed to be doing. Hmm, am trying to get him into this Jewish preschool, and I have this inner feeling that they do not want him to attend, they keep on giving me the run around. Am waiting for May 15 when they told me to call back again, been posting me since Febuary. In case you are wondering why I want him there

a) i need the boy socialized, in an organized setting

b) they came highly recommended

c) as a working mom with a working hubby, we really can't do the bedtime stories (boy doesn't even seem interested, prefers to turn the pages by himself, lick the book, or turn it into a toy) am too tired to do more than feed, bathe and play with them both before we , or rather I, collapse into bed and they join me in boredom (or fear of the dark?)

d) his idea of a conversation is mommy talking and him babbling, if he goes to school he will talk faster, and I so love that stage when they can carry their end of conversations even if its with baby talk.

Its all good sha, I fully intend to reach 50 posts before August, so help me God. Haba, in almost three years!

Saying I'm Sorry

I used to be a self help book junkie. I read every book I could find on money, relationships, marriage, sex, love, babies, pregnancy, etc, so tay suppose don write my own book now.

Hubby annoyed me yesterday and characteristically, I let him have it. Not going into what he did but will only say, its something I have been gently trying to curb as advised by all the self help gurus. The man just no wan change and I went crazy. It could be my hormones, I know being preggers makes everything seem much more serious that it really is. After I erupted, trust the guy he sits quietly and then I start feeling like I was over reacting. I decide to apologize when we get into bed. Was going to snuggle up, give him a hug and tell him I was sorry and in a calmer manner repeat what he was doing that he should not be doing :).

Na so I enter bed, my small oga was being fussy so I let him sleep with us. My mouth was too heavy and instead, we all drift off to sleep. I woke up at night and madam, wake your husband up and tell him sorry and sit him down for some midnight "oro pataki", I lie there contemplating how to begin and fall asleep again still trying to decide on the best approach.

Of course typical guy fashion today hubby wakes and we talk like nothing happened. He knows I'm sorry anyway and he knows it was his fault too so, I decide to let it go as well but I know I need to reclaim my apologizing skills. Will do after our next fight.

`

Birth of new life

Yesterday, I got to watch my first live birth and it was awesome. Sure I've seen enough on you-tube but it was nothing like the real thing. How can anyone see that up close and then deny that there is a God? The birth made me realise the following;

a) God is wonderful. He must be to make it possible for that child to breath in water. Her water was broken at about 5 a.m. (it was an induction) and the baby somehow was still breathing until it was pushed out @ 1.22 p.m;

b) Women are heavy duty machines. I have seen my own father, brothers and especially husband catch catarrh and turn into blubbering, irritating babies (may God forgive me for feeling that way) but seriously, I hate seeing sick men they get on my last nerve. This woman pushed out a whole person and was smiling afterwards. She had an epidural by then but what about the six hours of labor before she got the medication? But still, first hand, the birthing process is very painful.

c) I wonder why some people wait to see a mountain move before they can accept the miracles and favors of God Almighty. (First time I bought newborn clothes hubby actually thought no baby could fit something that small and you actually do forget how small a newborn is). Most fascinating thing about them (newborns) is they have 206 bones squeezed into that little body, a functioning brain and meeeen that head of theirs that mouds itself to pass through the birth canal? Awsome! God is wonderful. Even if I never see a mountain move, I am a Believer.

d) How does a baby make its way out such a small hole?

e) Even though the birth was amazing, seriously its a more spiritual experience to watch, I think it might be a good idea to bar husbands, boyfriends, and significant others from watching. Am just glad am a woman cos I would not go near another va jay jay if I were. The emerging baby is not a pretty sight and you need to see what it does to the anus.

f) God I thank you for making me a woman.

The Resumption of Innocence

This is an amebo post and since this is a narration, words may be altered but the messages are real.

A friend of mine was recently married and while we made small talk (chatting online) she stops to ask me a question, "First time you and your hubby did it, did it hurt?"
I go "no why?" cos she knows it wasn't our "first time", me and her did share that much info in the past, albeit rarely.
And she goes, "hubby and i have not been able to do the deed for the past three days now because it hurts so much" I was, and still am confused.

Before I go on, let me give you some background, the lass is in her mid thirties as in 35, and we go way back. Once, over ten years ago, we had a heart to heart conversation when she confessed to doing it several times with the person supposed to be teaching her math (not a dirty old man but a guy a couple of years older than her). She only stopped when she got pregnant after which an abortion was arranged and since then, she has had a few relationships she says were not fully sexual (I never asked, she always volunteered that), even though they did everything else.

Back to the narration, without thinking, I go "Is he that huge?" and hit send before it occurs to me that she may not find that funny since she was confiding something serious. I cover up for my lack of sensitivity by giving her some suggestions, get on top, use some k-y jelly, etc. She tells me that was how he got halfway in three days.

I was baffled, I never knew the hymen grew back, but even after an abortion?...or maybe she just has vaginismus.

I think I only met one virgin in her mid-twenties she was 27 at the time and one morning she rushed to work to give us gist about how using tampons will break the hymen, I looked at her in disbelief at first; thinking to myself lost that a long time ago but I was graceful enough to not show my surprise that she thought that was breaking news. Even more hilarious was her wedding preparation, she chartered all those how to please your man in bed books and was reading them as if she had exams on the subject. She is too serious a person for me to ask if all the reading helped. She would have killed me with her eyes, lol. Anyway, I was impressed and it inspired me to go on a new round of celibacy.

As for me, losing my flower did not take three days, it just took a non verbal go ahead and the deed was done. I do not recall a renewed virginity after any of my celibacy periods either; (longest ones lasted 3 years, 1 year and some months, ten months and six months) but when I resumed, except that it was sweeter, I do not recall having to stop and try again the next day., talk less of the third day. But then, her husband does have long, slender fingers, maybe it could be a length issue then?

Birthday

I think at the next bloggers awards, there should be a laziest blogger category, that way I'm sure I'll get a nomination at least even if I don't win lol.

Finally finished my class, was supposed to take a history and a sociology course for the rest of the summer but changed my mind. Just realized am not as young as I used to be and with all the other everyday hassles, I am barely managing to get by on a day to day basis.

Yes oh, my cherub was a year old this Saturday. Am not into parties but in an effort to make sure my child has enough photos as mementos of the big day, I decided to have a get together at home for friends and family and have a real kiddy party at his daycare. Hard part is I havent a clue what people here do at 1st parties, I have asked around, and one alakoba (sorry, no english translation that would do that justice) suggested a pool party. Emi ke?!? I no want trouble, even if the said pool was a bucket of water, I no fit. When he's five maybe but as a toddler? No way.

Everything is ready except the balloons. Will get those tomorrow.

Thankful Saturday my "M" list.

Here goes. . .

I have completed my Mid Terms, in my usual trouble finding manner I decided to take a crash course online. I took the online version out of convenience and registered the day after the class started. Its a five week course, spent week one looking for the recommended text. After driving all over, my only option was to order online and it was too late so I got an online version, downloaded it and my PC chose that day to crash. To cut a very long story short, I had to connect on the laptop, crash 6 chapters in three days, study for a mid term test and complete a very difficult (and rather stupid) essay. I did it all with an hour and a half to spare and for that I am truely grateful.

Motherhood, my cherub has two teeth, is crawling army style, putting on healthy weight and sleeping through the night. Pregnancy is exhausting and uncomfortable and having a newborn is twice the exhaustion but nothing can compare to your baby waking you up in the morning and smiling down at you just because you opened your eyes. I love my baby.

Money even thoiugh I am short of it right now, I love money and all the good things that can be obtained with it. And I am saying thank you in advance cos, Insha Allah my pockets will be full of cash soon (even though I haven't a clue where from).

Movement am at that counting movements stage and that's the only way I can reassure myself that everything is ok.

Mojisola because I am a good person. lol.


WHew that was not as hard as it seemed. . .

All about rings

Went to a wedding last Saturday. Hubby and I left together, naturally we got lost. He refused to ask for directions and I had to ask for him (so it can be his genius if we find the place and my fault if we don't?) and naturally we argued all the way

Me: You shouldn't have turned left

Him: Shebi I told you to ask for directions

Me:Thats why I told you to ask yourself

Him: But you said keep going down Westheimer

Me: Its really not too late we can park so you can ask them yourself

And we manged to argue back and forth until, I got tired and did not feel like going anymore and he claimed to be tired as well; we agreed to go home. I called my aunt who had invited us so she would not wait anymore and then hubby decides we just have to find the place (I know if I had insisted on going we would've been home in a heartbeat); we head back, find the place and ended up having a very nice time.

Two of my siblings are wedding this year, one friend has tied the knot and the other, well lets hope they make it down the isle before they break up. It all got me thinking about my ring and its multiple personality.

The Badge.
A ring could be a badge, a symbol that you are a member of the prestigious married womens' club. It means people should not disrespect you in public, you cannot indulge in playfulness or mischief like you used to and any man beside you has to be your husband, his relative or his friend. Every statement is to be punctuated by don't you know that I am a married woman, or my husband this and my husband that. I think the most interesting part of this is most women suddenly become holy at this point. I wanted to but somehow it just didn't happen, I mean my biggest sin used to be fornication (so I thought, but thats another story) and now its a sin if I refuse, so that in itself makes me feel holier :).

The Certificate.
Implies you can carry belle, sleep over, people can come and visit and meet you half dressed. Nothing to be ashamed of, after all you have a ring to brandish and so its a certificate to indulge in all the stuff you may have been doing anyways but now don't need to lie about or hide. This is especially useful when you lock yourselves in the house and take a few minutes longer than necesary to answer the door.

A Deterrent.
I recall the good old days when guys expressed likeness by hanging around you and trying to impress you. (When you get to your mid twenties, they begin to propose marriage even before asking you out or tell you how you embody everything that they've been searching for in a wife, or my personal favorite, how they just want to settle down now now now if they find the right person-and that's your cue to begin auditioning). Have come across two or three people who I just noticed hanging around (@ different times), being nice, trying to impress (like in the good old days) and suddenly it hits me that they may be trying to "get to know me" and then I go searching for my rings (I am not a ring person and besides when i was ring shopping they told me to get a loose one so I could grow into it-haven't grown into it yet, so i take it off so it doesn't get lost) and any hoo, I go find them so the dude realises its too late. I don't care wonderful you are or seem to be, if you were meant to be mine, you should have found me first. The guys bow gracefully away and tell me how lucky my man is, and I'd love to give them his number so they can tell him, but hubby already thinks I'm a psycho, no need to add fuel to his suspiscions. And anyways, as long as its not Babyface Edmunds, I'm sticking with my man.

A Reminder.
Marriage is hard, very very hard. I take that back its not hard, its just a lot of patience, forgiveness, manipulation and diplomacy. On the hard days you keep that ring on your finger to remind you of the never ending circle that your love is supposed to be. You wear that ring willing it to do its magic so you don't go screaming into the hills like a mad woman or more likely just go back home and curl up in the bed you slept on so many years ago dreaming about your fairytale job, marriage, kids and life; lord knows it was nothing like this. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. . .can't go home, this is your home now. During the trying times you grudgingly make his meals; respond to his questions with tight lipped comments (am still working on the malice thingy) he realises he majorly pissed you off and tries to make small talk, tries desperately to make you laugh; wants to make love. And in time the never ending circle does its thing and you realise that you would never trade the man beside you, with his rusty amour, feet of clay and annoying ways, for the man in your dreams of yesterday.

A week in my life.

Cooked beans today. Hubby loved the last one so much, I feel like cooking it everyday now. Seriously, he started by overfeeding - not unusual, he does that whenever he is very hungry or he really likes the food. Next, he was composing ballads and poetry about it (just kidding, though am sure he would have if he were the ballad and poetry composing type).

My first thought was "he's having an affair" unfortunately, i cannot help the way I think. I mean, every body is happy after getting laid, but we hadn't done it enough times to justify that much praise over a pot of beans, a week later he was still praising it! Besides, I just dumped everything in the pot and it even burnt small sef. Well, he took the last of it to work this morning (began cooking in bulk when baby came, I find that it is verry convenient) amidst more adulation and accolades so, I need to cook some more; heck, we may begin to cook beans everyday from now on.

Baby was sick again. Fever crankiness, loss of appetite. I had to call my mom to ask what I was doing wrong. She said he might be teething; I tell her he did that three weeks ago, infact the second one is crowning. I didn't know they fell ill with each tooth. went to check on him during my lunch break feeling I should have called in and not gone to work. The boy was happily swinging his legs enthusiastically eating some kind of spanish rice and noodle soup. The boy did not even cry when I left, but that told me he was alright. He's fine now, again and at least I know what to expect when the top ones start coming in.

I don't know how to say this, but if I was a boy, I'd be an ass man. I have this colleague with this very cute ass and I like watching it move. I just realised I've been staring at her a bit too much when she caught me looking for the second time in one day and now I have to make a conscious effort not to look and its been sooo hard. Don't get me wrong, I am not gay. Personally I am not homo phobic or homo curious. am not interested in boobs, it would be akward trying to make love to a woman and feel her breasts, beside, part of the turn on in sex is feeling his member grow, you wont get that with a woman and how about the ridges and contuours? and seriously a dildo would not trmble and pulse or shoot anything warm, no I am not gay.I just admire her ass the way people admire a pretty face.

:) how was your week?

Thankful Saturday

I am borrowing a leaf from Aloted, making a list of things I am grateful for. I am not in the habit of counting my blessings cos, i am afraid of jinxing them. But that's superstitious isn't it? And besides, I do believe in destiny and so, que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Will aim for three, seven, ten or eleven things to love about today; here goes. . .

1) My Angel on earth is over his illness. Was teething cos soon as he started getting better, the crown of the tooth appeared. Will post a picture as soon as I can get him to smile at the camera instead of giving his 'camera stare'. I don't have to force him to eat anymore, he's been sleeping 6 hours through; if I could just get him to start crawling. . .

2) Hubby I guess, he take the baby and feeds and plays with him in the morning so i can get a few more hours of sleep, gets up @ night when i have to get up to soothe the pikin. Does a few things around the house without being nagged to do them. He is not a woman beater (and I would have mentioned that I do not have to worry about other women, but I trust no man not even my own father, so I'll leave it at that).

3) Found a new daycare, so I have left the other miserable woman alone. The new one is hispanic and does not speak much english. So far so good she has other kids with her and she is a like real mommy to them all as in, they flock around her and do not fear her which is a quality the other two did not have. Only time will tell sha, but as of today I am glad to leave my baby with someone who seems to genuinely adore kids.

4) Am off on Saturdays.

5)I have exceeded my sales target at work, big deal because in the year that I've been here; my sales are usually about halfway to target. I am a terrible sales person and used to talk myself out of sales; as in, after making an offer, I tell the customer both advantages and disadvantages of the service (cos i wish everyone else would do that for me too). Now, I keep my big mouth shut. If they figure it out, good, if they don't I get my sale. I mean, I need my job and besides, all i'm asking is that they keep whatever they buy for a month so I get my commission.

Birthday Wishes

Technically, I am beginning my 30th year but am really 29. Why do we celebrate the last year instead of the new one(?) cos if you look at it; your first birthday is really the first day of your second year on earth. So each birthday should be the first day of the next year in you life but age-wise, we are last years age. . .

For the first time in the ten years I've know him (yes, I have known him for ten years; tale for another day) hubby was the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I'd just got home the day before, was eating dinner (had resumed midnight dinner for several reasons; I've been stressed out lately, am unable to eat breakfast cos it makes me slow for the rest of the day; the overnight hunger was interfering with my sleep and making me cranky and because I wasn't losing any weight from the starvation, so I might as well. . .) and watching "friends with hubby. It was the episode where Ross' lesbian ex-wife was having Ben; the scene reminded us of my delivery and i suddenly realised that when i gave birth i did remeber pusing out the head but dont remember the shoulders being pushed out hubby then tells me they pulled him out by the head and we went on about details. When the baby comes out on the sitcom and he says happy birthday; I thought he was talking about the show. Then it hits me; it was midnight and my birthday. . .sweet.

My first birthday after meeting hubby, we were at school, our school was one of those where guys were not allowed into female hostels so, I was outside hanging out with my cousins and their friends; we were all broke (my cousins and I), so we decided to gist and tell stories, share jokes (or vice versa). Hubby - then just a guy who refused to get lost - sat somewhere in the shadows with his friends, waiting for the crowd to leave; he over heard the birthday chorus or something, and sneaked away to get me a gift. Spent a few hours outside with him and it was no biggie. . .

My twentieth birthday was a blur, we saw the day before and the day after, I was too depressed to care anyways. By then we were dating and all. . .and o n the verge of our first break up.

Twenty one was a good year, we were taking a break from each other (again) he did remember a week later. no qualms cos, I thot to myself, I was waiting for my knight and the knight obviously was not him. . .

Twenty two, he called late at night, we were back together again. He called me at ten PM (landline not cell phone; my Dad was the only one at home with that nokia 3330 that cost him over 30k, MTN line was 27k or so); anyway hubby calls me telling me he almost forgot; naturally, I blasted him.

Twenty three, nothing not even an e-mail. We had spent a week together in Akure two weeks before, had to blast him again and promised to forget his birthday from then on. . .

Twenty four, we had a pregnancy scare; just did my first medical test for my first job and felt so stupid for probably losing the job because i could have been pregnant. I was too upset to do anything or even care if he remembered. All he had to say was lets do introduction. There was no baby, I got the job and we forgot about the intro (he was a corper).

Twenty five I got a surprise party at work. You know when suddenly you notice everyone is scarce and someone "has something important" to tell you. The person leads you to a room and everybody starts singing Happy Birthday and its a party. It was one of my best birthdays ever! Hubby called in the evening, had to take his mom somewhere (and phones don't work in cars). Blasted him yet again. Much more annoying was that he didn't care if i forgot his.

In 06 he calls me first thing in the morning like he used to every regular day; we gist small and he hangs up; I coolly let him forget at that time, it didn't matter. I guess he pulled up his PC minutes later and realizes; calls me back and we had a good laugh over it. . .

27 we were together; he called from work because that was when he remembered.

28 was an okay age to be, I learnt that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go in terms of self development; lost all my friends, made no new ones; the first time really that i haven"t asked myself if i was happy with who i was today, the first day of this new year of me. So far so good, though.

Other peoples' kids

Today I noticed my sweet little angel sitting pretty; finally. He will be eight months old in a week. I saw this seven month old with teeth at a store a couple of months ago, the boy was sitting upright, sporting four teeth and obviously crawling or about to. My aunts' baby was standing at 7 months; my cousins' baby was crawling and cruising furniture by 8 months; all around me I saw babies doing things way faster than mine and I almost let myself fall into the "there's something wrong with my child" trap. Don't get me wrong, I see babies way slower than him but to be the best you've got to compete with the best.

We all know that everyone is an individual, in fact I should know that better than anyone else. I didn't walk until I was a year and ten months old, I sucked my fingers, didn't "cry" (my Mom said she had to deliberately starve me every now and then just so she could convince herself I was OK, lol). I was considered "slow" until my Mom said they realized I could read words without pictures when I was four. Even then, I started growing boobs at 9 (mom was scared again, too early) when girls my age caught up, they began dressing up and wearing make-up. I didn't. It went on and on, I just wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing when I was supposed to, and did I mention my Mom thought I was going to be an old maid?

I wish I could claim emotional trauma from all the comparisons I suffered and to be truthful; I did feel there was (and is, maybe?) something wrong with me but as I have realised everyone has their self doubt and the greater the genius the greater the doubt so I don't sweat it. I admit that being compared to others and always or mostly falling short is very challenging. So why was I trying to inflict this negative energy on my little prince? I think its because, like the majority of parents before me, I have/had set milestones for my baby. . .

He was to be sitting by 5 months, crawling at 6 months, off the breast at 6 months (here we are breastfeeding 7 months and counting), standing at 9 months, off the feeding bottle at 1, toilet trained at 2 and saying the alphabet and counting to twenty by 2.

But here I am applauding his being able to sit down without support (and he claps too) at 7 months and four weeks, but even though I think we (me and him) have a pretty fair chance of meeting the other milestones, I will honor his process and just let him do things at his own pace (like I have that much of a say in the matter).

This is fast becoming a mommy blog.

PS:- Not beef but my aunts' child who was standing @ 7 months is a year old next month and he's still not walking but she's not losing sleep about it. Don't know what came over me.

I love my mom to pieces, I obviously inherited her paranoia.

The Nighmare called baby sitters

Am riding the crest of a nightmare baby sitter who, truth be told I should have changed a long time ago. This is my second nightmare in the six months I've had to deal with them. Am seriously considering sending Bobo to naija to live until he is three years old cos, this place is not baby friendly at all.

Started with one akata woman who began well, her place was close-by and she seemed to love kids. All of a sudden, she began complaining all the time; that was our queue to move on but of course, being too busy to look and too stubborn to change we managed her until she decided to not take care of my kid because she felt me and my husband were not communicating, among other things. She claimed she told hubby lots of stuff about me and baby and as a result of our lack of communication, none of the messages were passed across. Last straw was when she said she told him to get someone else and I was livid with rage; sharply went to snatch my baby ; missed two days of work and made new arrangements. Turned out she didn't tell him anything and besides since she and her own husband communicate so well she should have left the messages with him instead.

Well, moved on to Yoruba woman who has turned out to be an even bigger nightmare. To cut a long and needless story short, I have been accused of everything from trying to know her immigration status to insulting her verbally and funniest of them all; I also want to steal her clothes. Well, the other mothers were accused of never paying their bill, not giving their kids anything to eat; eating her food; and we are all bad mothers for a myriad of other reasons. Am shopping for another minder o. My child is the only one left there anyways. I think I have had enough. And to think that this woman has been in yankee for over five years. You can take the woman out of the bush but that bush will remain in the woman sha.

Hubby has been so strong for us this time. The first one had me questioning if we could last another year. He felt it was my fault and we should have begged the akata. I told him the day he labours for his own child we can go and beg her. I was mad at him for days, and I have never hated him as much before nor since. This one was a bit more ridiculous and hubby was actually consoling me like a Daddy does and I almost started crying on the phone. . .that was until I tell him I locked my keys in my car and the he starts screaming as if it was so much of a big deal, I don't know why the man is so inconsistent. I mean its my keys and my car and he just went on and on and on. . .so what if it was the third time in six weeks? I've been stressed out lately. He was a doll and called the locksmith and waited with him.

On a lighter note, I finally had the courage to get contact lenses. I almost chickened out until hubby told me he didn't think I could do it. of course, then I decide I have to. The doc wears contacts himself and shows me how to put them in by taking his out and putting them back in twice in 10 seconds. He hands me my first pair and tells me to put them in. After about 30 minutes, I have one in and have dropped the other one and cannot find it. Doc has seen two other patients. The man get patience no be small. didn't even bill me for the one I lost. He just quietly replaced it for me. Am sure him and his receptionist were wondering how anyone can take 30 minutes to get one lense in but they were nice enough to keep quiet.

Day two, I got both lenses in about 30 minutes, not my fault my eyes just used to close involuntarily. After work that day, I was so tired I rubbed my eyes as I usually do, next thing I know, I cant see out of one eye. Yeepa! I though to myself, How do I explain to the Doc that I lost another one? Fortunately, it was attached to my eye lashes. since i was on my way home anyway, I pull the other one out and wear my glasses puting both lenses in he glass case. By the time I got home they were shrivelled, when I told hubby he did his he he he laugh that he does when he wants to gloat while he should be comforting you. I put them in the water and have been managing them like that since then.

So far so good, I've worn them a month and counting and am enjoying the lightness and being able to see like a regular person.

Sex on the mind.

The year is going by so fast, am over the homesickness, was just really stressed out and that was cured with the sound sleep I got from the two days hubby moved to the other room. He arrived back on the third day and when i was woken up by snores after merely two hours sleep, I bundled my angel on earth into the guest room for some peace and quiet. Hubby wasn't happy that we had to manage the small bed and so our current arrangement is, I wake him up when he gets too loud so he sleeps on the smaller bed; and at least he has stopped throwing his head back when sleeping which has reduced the snoring considerably.

Speaking of which, is it just me or do you find yourself wondering where or when people first think about sex? I have know there was something people did called sex for as long as I can remember. I may have been off on details at first, but I vaguely knew what it was and I always wondered where the thought came from.

It finally occurred to me one night doing hubby, I glance beside him at the little one . He was wide awake and when our eyes meet, he gives me this huge beautiful grin. Of course I decided to always put him in his bed every night -which by the way I did not do because its hard getting up to nurse when you're tired, but good parents that we are, we don't do anything with him on the bed anymore - but realized then where some people got their thoughts from, I guess I slept on my parents' bed till I was 2. Tell me I didn't witness something in those two years.

Why am I even talking about this sef?